To Take Desperate Measures
by ShadowSilk
Summary: Every serious evil leader needs to have a matching appearance, right? Unfortunately for Pein, such things don't come cheap. Crackfic. COMPLETE.
1. The Mission

**Author's Note:** In this fic, Sasori is still alive and Tobi is Zetsu's subordinate. He isn't a member quite yet. So this story takes place before Shippuuden.

Enjoy the story!

**Disclaimer:** The characters belong to Masashi Kishimoto, but the plot is mine.

* * *

Everyone in Akatsuki knew it; even the entire shinobi world took heed. 

The Akatsuki leader, Pein, was definitely someone not to be trifled with.

He was a dangerous man. He was even revered as a god in his village of Amegakure, a mysterious figure that the people worshipped as their savior from pain.

When he wanted something, his subordinates were to fulfill his whim, no matter how frivolous or bizarre, no questions asked. It was an unspoken rule that everyone obeyed. Of course, there were some complaints, but even those few members who dared utter grumble knew to get the job done in the end.

Even if they had to risk everything.

Even if they had to take desperate measures.

* * *

It was a gloomy morning. Dark clouds drifted above the Akatsuki hideout, leaving gray smears in their wake. The rains were coming, and by the look of it, they were going to be experiencing a large storm. 

The Akatsuki members were all crowded in to a small, windowless meeting room. The fluorescent lights were garish, making them squint. The leader still hadn't arrived. Gruff grumbling rippled through the space. It was quite early still. Only minutes before, the members had been summoned from their rooms. The leader had ordered them all to assemble in the meeting room immediately.

"All right," Hidan grumbled, rubbing his eyes, "where the _fuck_—"

"Hidan-san!" Tobi interrupted cheerfully, holding up a giant plate of warm muffins. He was wearing a neatly ironed, fluffy apron. "Would you like an early-morning muffin? They're fresh out of the oven!"

"No," Hidan replied flatly. "I don't want your pansy-ass muffins." He slumped back in his chair and began swearing loudly. He had a ritual to do, and this was taking a substantial chunk out of his schedule.

"Does anyone want a muffin? I have lots!" Tobi called out, holding the tray over his head.

"I wish that the leader would get here soon," Kisame said to Itachi, looking at the wall clock. "We've been waiting for half an hour."

Itachi regarded him silently. He wasn't much a morning person. He slowly sat down in an uncomfortable chair, folding his hands. Squinting, Itachi put up a hand to shield his face from the light. It was hurting his sensitive eyes.

Kisame smirked.

"I told you not to use that crazy eye technique so much," Kisame stated matter-of-factly. "You need glasses."

Itachi looked at him blankly. Uchihas were too dark and mysterious to wear glasses. It would ruin the illusion of mystery.

"Seriously," Hidan was shouting at Tobi, "_I don't want your goddamn muffins_!"

"But Hidan-san!" Tobi pleaded, gesturing at the tray. "They're _blueberry_!"

In the corner, Kakuzu was wringing his hands. He had just entered a dress-designing contest, and was currently working a beautiful little number that he was sure would win. Kakuzu sighed. He could almost feel that lovely, _cheap_ silk under his hands, his fingers making deft stitches in to the fabric. Looking down, he realized that his fingers were twitching.

"When will the leader be here?" Kakuzu complained. "I have...business to attend to."

"Shut up, un," Deidara snapped, trying to fashion a clay bird. "I'm trying to create art here. Because art is a—"

"—bang. Yeah, I know the story," Kakuzu interrupted grumpily. Impatiently, he stared fixedly at the clock with great concentration. It seemed as though he was trying to have a twisted staring contest with the inanimate object.

"Don't you dare mock my art, un!" Deidara shouted, his eyes wild. "Or I'll blast you into the next century!" The mouths on his palms bared their teeth.

Sasori balanced on a small chair, fiddling with a screwdriver. He was making adjustments to one of his numerous puppets.

"Deidara," he said, his eyes still carefully trained on his work, "you wouldn't be able to recognize good art if it stabbed you in the forehead."

Deidara turned to Sasori, his eyebrows knit-low.

"_What did you just say_?"

"You heard me, big boy."

Zetsu sat immobile, watching everything with a hawkish gaze. His yellow eyes glinted.

"_They're a bunch of idiots, aren't they?_" the black half of his face muttered.

"Be quiet," the white half of his face retorted. He looked around to make sure that no one was listening. Then softly, he said, "I agree."

"Godammit, Tobi! For the last time, I don't want a muffins! Leave me the hell alone!" screamed Hidan, flinging his arms in the air. "For the love of Jashin, Tobi! _For the love of Jashin!_"

Tobi looked crestfallen. "But Hidan-san…"

The noise in the room crescendoed. Amid the clinking of Tobi's muffin tray, Hidan's loud cursing, and various simultaneous discussions and shouting matches, nobody noticed the quiet _click_ of the meeting room door.

Suddenly, they became aware of a powerful presence. It became deathly silent. The leader was standing on a small podium, staring at the members with unsettling eyes.

"Good morning," the Akatsuki leader said pleasantly. He wore a mask pulled up over the bottom half of his face.

Quiet mumbles of greeting floated around the room.

"You all are probably wondering why I have requested your presence this morning," the leader said, his voice slightly muffled.

He was met with intent stares.

"I am here to deliver you directions for a very important mission," he said, tugging uncomfortably at his mask. "You will not fail. Because if you fail"—here he took a dramatic pause—"I will kill you."

The room was silent.

"You see, the Akatsuki is widely feared. Our enemies and allies know that we are elite ninja. Our skills and feats are truly recognized, but beyond that, there is another asset that we possess. An asset that instills more fear than _any_ jutsu. Do any of you know what I am speaking of?"

Silence.

"Appearance."

The leader looked out as his followers and was met with a plethora of confused looks.

He sighed.

"How can I explain this? You see, our appearances are the first thing that an enemy sees, before any attacks can be unleashed. Our appearance gives off a first impression."

The leader began to pace.

"We are an evil organization. So it would make sense for us to have the _appearance_ of an evil organization, would it not?"

There were fervent nods.

"I must admit something to all of you. You all do carry unique appearances that do give off an air of unmistakable evil." The leader paused. "Well—most of you." He glanced over at Tobi, who was sporting a frilly apron.

The Akatsuki members were shocked. The leader rarely _ever_ complimented them.

Hidan puffed out his chest, full of pride.

Kakuzu glanced at the clock.

Kisame cracked a toothy smile.

Itachi frowned, squinting at the blurry mass that he knew must be the leader.

Deidara smirked, as the mouths on his hands beamed in delight.

Sasori looked up from his puppet project.

Zetsu cocked his head to the side, surprised the leader's kind words.

Tobi clapped his hands together, smiling widely behind his mask in utmost glee.

The leader held up a hand.

"However, I felt as though my appearance was inadequate. Thus, I had a..._slight modification_ done two days ago."

The members held their breath as the leader slowly pulled down his mask.

Once again, there was silence, pressing heavily into their shoulders.

The Akatsuki members looked at each other, unsure of what to say. Zetsu gathered his courage and spoke up.

"Leader-sama," Zetsu said, confusion slipping in to his voice, "you...got a piercing?"

"Not just _a_ piercing," the leader said, motioning at his slightly puffy face, "I got _eighteen_ piercings!"

A thick silence hung over the room. Several members clapped their hands over their mouths, trying to stifle their laughter. The leader folded his hands over the podium, blatantly unaware.

"B-but Leader-sama," Kisame said, clearing his throat hastily, "what does this have to do with our mission?"

"Ah yes, Kisame," the leader said, oblivious to the muffled chuckling of his followers. "The mission."

"You see, my fellow Akatsuki members, numerous piercings come with many risks. For example, a piercing may become easily infected, resulting in scarring and damage."

The leader lowered his voice.

"This is your mission. Several of my piercings have become terribly infected. I need all of you to split up and search for the secret to clearing the infection. Murder, steal if you have to. Because if you fail the mission,"—the Akatsuki leader narrowed his eyes—"I will kill you."

* * *

**Author's Note:** Hope you liked the first chapter! Please review! 


	2. Deidara's a Pretty Woman

**Authors Note: **Here is the second chapter of To Take Desperate Measures! Enjoy!

* * *

Deidara collapsed on the grass, exhausted. 

"That was some walk, un," Deidara said. He sat up, using one hand to shield his eyes from the early morning sun.

Sasori slowly sat down, wincing. His wooden joints cracked.

Deidara glanced at Sasori, the breeze blowing through his long, blond hair.

"Do we have a plan, un?" he asked. "Or are we just going to wing it?"

Sasori ignored him, looking down at the village. Located a couple of miles away from the Akatsuki hideout, the village of Touzoku held a wealth of knowledge. It was the perfect place to extract the highly-coveted information that the leader required.

Many noblemen resided here, as well as petty lawbreakers and vagabonds. However, what the little village had was an excess of _stolen_ information. The rich inhabitants were actually highly-trained criminals, secretly running a grand black market scheme. Before turning to a life of thievery, they had been highly-classed ninja. But now, they used their stealth and skill to steal.

These men would intercept shipments of goods that were headed for major villages, then plunder just enough commodities to go unnoticed. Touzoku housed an unbelievable collection of wares. The merchants had it all: from forbidden scrolls to expensive towels, from exploding notes to stolen recipe books. This small village, which was lead by seemingly law-abiding noblemen, was never suspected of wrongdoing.

Their schemes benefited them quite well, as the Akatsuki itself had invested quite a chunk of money on the village's stolen goods. It was quite profitable for the black market merchants. During the day, they would bathe in their illegally-purchased luxury, building a façade that was never questioned. At night, these same people would sneak out in to the darkness and thieve.

The inhabitants of Touzoku were varied, coming from a wide variety of villages. Each of the inhabitants possessed a special ability; working together, they used their skills to accomplish their shared goal. There were people specializing in hundreds of different fields, from assassination to forging artwork.

Sasori was sure that at least _one_ of them specialized in piercing care.

"Deidara," Sasori said suddenly, in his gruff low voice, "we must scour this village. We must ask every single inhabitant for information."

Sasori's eyes scanned the village.

"Take off your cloak," Sasori said suddenly.

Deidara's eyes went wide.

Sasori rolled his eyes. "Not for _that_, you idiot. They cannot know that we're from Akatsuki," Sasori said slowly. "We owe them quite a sum after the leader convinced them to illegally get us more TV channels."

"Piggybacking on to some daimyo's cable signal can be so expensive, un," Deidara said.

"We have to hide our cloaks," Sasori said. "I don't think they'll recognize us without them."

Deidara and Sasori began taking off their large, dark cloaks, which were emblazoned with the signature red clouds of the Akatsuki. Deidara folded his cloak neatly. He walked over to a small cluster of bushes. Squatting down, he tucked the clothing beneath the foliage.

Deidara stood up and looked around for Sasori.

"Sasori no danna! Where are you, un? I can put your cloak—" Deidara caught sight of Sasori and gawked at him in shock.

"What is it, Deidara?" Sasori said impatiently. "We have to get going! We can't waste time here."

"You can't walk around wearing Hiruko!" Deidara shouted. "It's unnatural, un!"

"Well, I don't want to take it off," Sasori said stubbornly. "It's comfy in here."

Deidara looked at him, his head tilted to the side. Now that he thought of it, he had never actually seen Sasori without his puppet body.

"Sasori," Deidara began slowly, "I respect you and your…puppet fetish. But you have to take off the puppet, un. We'll stand out too much—"

Sasori quickly backed away, his puppet tail dragging on the ground. "No!" he said stubbornly. "Hiruko goes wherever I go!" He turned his back to Deidara, muttering to himself.

Deidara tried reasoning with his fellow artist. He tried mustering up a soothing voice. "Sasori no danna, please…"

"No! I'm never taking it off!" Sasori clutched at his body. "NEVER!"

Deidara lost it.

"TAKE IT OFF! TAKE IT OFF _RIGHT NOW_!"

* * *

"_TAKE IT OFF!_" 

In the village below, a certain man with long white hair glanced up at the hill, which stood proudly in the distance. He scratched his head. _Must be those crazy kids with their strip poker games_, he thought to himself. Those crazy kids always played strip poker on Tuesdays.

Jiraiya shrugged to himself, then went back to work. He always came to this village to work on his books. He found the dusty atmosphere somewhat pleasing. It was a nice change from that loud-mouthed, blond kyuubi kid. Right now, he was working on a particular little beauty called "Icha Icha Paradise: The Night of the Horizontal Mambo."

The shouting persisted, rising into a sweeping crescendo. The white-haired man could hear screaming and the sound of ripping cloth. It sounded like it was getting intense.

He tried to ignore it, focusing his concentration on the task before him. Jiraiya glanced at the shuffled pages of manuscript and readied his pen over a blank piece of paper.

"I'LL RIP IT OFF WITH MY BARE HANDS!"

The man exhaled noisily. He gazed at the grassy hill, looming over him. He could barely make out two shadowy shapes that seemed to be wrestling with each other.

Furtively, the man glanced around.

"Screw this," he said loudly, "I want me some strip poker!"

He threw down the sheaf of papers and quickly strode out of the rented hut, leaving the door swinging wide open.

* * *

Twenty minutes later later and several arguments later, Sasori and Deidara were sauntering through the streets of Touzoku, dressed in commoner's clothes. Sasori, who had had to be wrestled away from his favorite battle puppet, was sulkily marching in front of Deidara. Deidara glanced at Sasori. True, Sasori himself was a human puppet, but he blended in a heck of a lot better. He did look unnaturally young, though. 

"So we'll have to ask for the piercing specialist, eh, Sasori no danna?" Deidara asked. "Do you know where we should start looking, un?"

Sasori turned his head and stared back at him, eyes full of ice. He looked like a sullen, homicidal child.

Deidara sighed.

"I'm sorry, Sasori no danna!" he insisted. "But it's not like you can walk around wearing—aw, forget it, un."

They both were silent. Suddenly, Sasori began to speak.

"We'll start at the east side of Touzoku, then work our way westward. The west side is where the 'noblemen' reside," said Sasori. "They are more highly trained and knowledgeable, but it is more dangerous to deal with them. There is a higher risk that they will recognize us. That is why we must try scouring the east side first, and move in to the noblemen's area only if necessary."

"That's a good plan, Sasori no danna," Deidara said, relieved that he was on speaking terms with his artist superior.

"Of course it is," Sasori said. All of a sudden, a group of elderly women spotted him. In a flash, they had surrounded him, pinching his cheeks and ruffling his hair.

"He is SO cute!"

"He's _adorable_!"

"Oh…oh _god_."

* * *

It was hot and muggy. East Touzoku had dirt roads, which would belch low clouds of dust as the villagers carried about their daily regime. Deidara and Sasori had been searching for information for hours, their bodies sore and throats parched. When questioned about a specialist in body piercings, all of the villagers would turn pale and look away, shaking their heads. 

"Sasori no danna," Deidara said, wiping the sweat from his brow, "We've searched most of East Toukozu. Should we head to the noblemen's quarters and search there?"

Sasori grunted, looking into the sky.

"It's almost three o'clock," he said hoarsely. "I suppose we should move to West Touzoku now."

The pair trudged through the streets, coughing as the dust rose in grimy sheets above the ground.

"I have a feeling that these villagers are holding back information," Sasori said, his eyes narrowed. "They know an artisan skilled in body piercings, but will not tell us."

"So how do we get them to give us the information, un?" Deidara asked. The mouths on his palms licked their dry lips.

Sasori suddenly stopped walking, looking in to the distance. He spotted a certain building. Slowly, a slight smile tugged at his lips.

"We get them drunk."

* * *

"Oh god, it hurts!" 

"Hold still."

The Akatsuki leader lay on a couch, grimacing. Nearly all of his piercings were infected; they were all puffy and red. His face vaguely resembled a balloon. The blue haired Akatsuki member was trying to clean his piercings with a washcloth.

"Next time," she said, wringing out the cloth, "don't try piercing your face with a nail gun."

"It was the most convenient item to do the job!" the leader protested. He found it somewhat hard to speak, as his lips were badly swollen.

"What possessed you to get eighteen piercings, Pein?" Konan asked.

"I've told you my reasons," the leader said stubbornly. "I find my decision to be quite logical."

The blue-haired woman set down the washcloth. "I think you're going to have to take them out. The infection's getting worse—"

"No!" the leader declared. "I must preserve my image. I've endured so much, sacrificed so much…it's too late to turn back now! Develop a new piercing-care jutsu if you have to!"

"All right," Konan said in defeat. "But I'm afraid I don't know much about this kind of thing."

"Who does, really?" the leader sighed.

* * *

"Here's the tavern. I'm going in to ask for information. Deidara, stay out here and ask any passerby you see." 

"Hn."

Deidara watched Sasori stomp into the tavern, flinging the door open.

Deidara smirked. Sasori had the appearance of a child, or a young teenager. No way in _hell_ would any of the patrons answer to him.

Deidara spotted a woman with bright orange hair, wearing a hideous lime green feather boa. She was pacing back and forth, arms crossed. Her many earrings glinted in the sun.

_She probably knows who the piercing specialist is, un_, Deidara thought.

Deidara approached her, as she turned her back to him. He gingerly tapped her shoulder, the mouth on his palm gagging as it choked on the feathers of the woman's boa.

"Excuse me…" Deidara said awkwardly. The woman's hair was obscenely bright, reflecting the intense sunlight back in to his face. He held up a hand to shield his eyes.

The woman spun around, her hawkish face contorted in a displeased frown.

"Mai! There you are, you stupid girl," the woman barked, her hands planted on her hips. "Why aren't you at the pageant? I've been looking for you all day."

Deidara blinked.

"Wh-what?!" he asked incredulously.

"The beauty pageant!" the woman said impatiently. She grabbed Deidara by the wrist and began pulling him down the street. "Come on. You have to get ready. It's starting soon." The woman glared at Deidara angrily. "You, young lady, have been making us all wait!"

"But I'm not a—" Suddenly, the woman's feather boa slapped Deidara in the face. He began to choke on the feathers and was not able to finish his protest.

Deidara was dragged down the street, a trail of dust billowing behind him.

* * *

Sasori burst in to a small tavern. Dozens of angry eyes turned towards him. 

"You can't be in here, little boy," a woman with heavy makeup purred, gripping a container half-full of sake. She was perched on top of a large table.

Sasori was tired and irritated. He had gotten his favorite puppet taken away from him. He had walked in the scorching heat all day. He had been pinched and prodded, fawned over countless times. He had been chased by a truant officer who was convinced that he was skipping school. This was the final straw.

"Oh, shut up, skank. I'm just as old as all of you," he snapped. The patrons looked at him in shock. Sasori smirked grimly.

"_What_ did you just call me?" the indecently dressed woman asked, jutting out her lower lip.

Sasori glared at her.

"If you had a shred of intelligence, you would do as I asked. So please, unless you want to die a horrible, painful death, sit down and shut your mouth. I'm on a tight schedule here, woman."

The woman blinked. Was this small, redheaded child threatening her? She put a hand up to her temple. She probably had too much to drink.

"Does anyone know of a specialist in body piercings?" Sasori shouted.

The patrons stared at him blankly, their faces growing pale.

Silence.

Then…

A large burly man stood up from his table. Weaving slightly, the man picked up a large bottle of sake and took a long swig. Setting it down, he eyed Sasori with glassy eyes. He was obviously drunk.

"I'm Takahiro. I know everything about everything around here," the man said, his speech slurred.

"So what do you know?" Sasori asked impatiently.

"Well," Takahiro began, in a brusque, mysterious voice, "there's a woman by the name of—"

"Noooo!" a tall, thin man came flying out of nowhere. Time seemed to move in slow motion, as the lanky man dove for Takahiro's table, his long legs trailing behind him. His face contorted into an array of grotesque facial expressions as he sailed through the air. With a large crash, he landed on the table, breaking it into a thousand splinters of wood. He lay moaning on the floor, his body sprawled out among the wreckage.

"Takahiro! You…can't…tell him…the…secret…" he croaked hoarsely. Then he fell unconscious. Takahiro ignored him, fetching his sake bottle from the floor. He cleared his throat and continued.

"—Yui. West Touzoku. In fact, she's the person who did _my_ piercings…" The man began to lift up his shirt, but Sasori quickly stopped him.

"That's okay. Thank you," Sasori said over his shoulder, as he began to leave.

"Does anyone want to see my piercings?" the man called out. He swayed unsteadily.

"You idiot!" the inappropriate woman hissed. "You told that kid the source of this town's most prized secret!" She threw her empty glass sake bottle at him. It crashed against his head, cracking in to a bouquet of glittering glass shards.

Takahiro turned and looked blankly at the woman. "Shut up, skank," he said, lifting the bottle to take another sip.

Seething, the woman screamed, "I am not a skank!"

* * *

A lone man with flowing white hair stood atop of the grassy hill overlooking Touzoku. Scratching his head, he looked around. 

"Where the hell is the strip poker?" he muttered, looking around.

* * *

Sasori exited the tavern, feeling rather proud of himself. Soon, he and Deidara could leave this unsightly village and head back to the hideout, where they would be rewarded. Maybe the leader would even buy them tickets to the art fair, or kidnap an artist for them to question… 

Shaking his head from his pleasant reverie, Sasori looked around.

"Deidara?"

He could not see his blond partner anywhere.

"Deidara?"

* * *

**Author's Note:** Hope you liked it! Reviews would be very appreciated! 


	3. He's Hysterical

**A/N: **A big thank you to the four c2s that added this story; Crack Me Up; Black Souls, Red Clouds; Interesting Naruto Fics, and Mai Faivoiraites! And another big thank you to everyone who reviewed!

And about piercing infections (I felt that it would be necessary to explain a little bit more about this, as this is a major plot element)…

If a piercing is infected and you remove whatever is keeping the hole open (like an earring), the hole will close up almost immediately and cause a lot of scar tissue, especially with cartilage piercings like Pein has. Piercing through scar tissue is difficult and painful. That's why it's recommended to try and clear infection with everything still in.

Now, without further ado, I present the next chapter of To Take Desperate Measures! Enjoy! You guys are great!

* * *

"Tobi?"

The hallway was pitch black and musty. Thick air hung over in an overpowering cloud. It was sea of muffled silence. Zetsu stumbled forward, blindly feeling his way through the darkness. His footfalls echoed, resounding in loops over the cold floor.

"Tobi?"

Down the hallway, there was a mottled door, opened slightly. Zetsu cautiously approached it, taking slow steps. He put a hand out and lightly pushed on the wood. It let out a groan, and slowly creaked open.

It was a rather small room. Dusty light trickled in through the holes in the curtains, creating bright flecks over the shadowy ground. Zetsu looked around. The moth-eaten curtains were pulled shut, their outline traced with thin lines of light. A darkened light bulb hung from the ceiling. Its smooth surface was marred with a large crack.

In the center of the dim room was a black television. Zetsu took a step inside the room and quietly closed the door behind him.

The muted television was on. It threw an eerie glow over the solitary figure sprawled across the floor. Blue shadows drifted over the body, skimming over in shifting patterns.

The white side of Zetsu's face gulped softly. "…Tobi?"

Silence.

"Tobi? Is that you?"

Zetsu cautiously took a step forward. The television's glow swam before his eyes, clouding his sight with a blue miasma. Frigid air was pressing into his shoulders, making it difficult to breathe. Zetsu bent down behind the slumped body. He was raising an arm to tap the figure's shoulder. He could feel his heart erratically pounding in his ear, his breath hoarse and ragged—

"ZETSU-SAN!"

Zetsu jumped back. He lost his footing and began stumbling backwards, arms flailing in the air. With a loud crash, he landed against the doorframe, leaving a deep fracture in the wood.

"_What the hell was that_?" the black half of his face growled.

"Sorry, Zetsu-san!" Tobi said cheerfully. "I guess I fell asleep watching TV again." He pointed at the TV screen, his eyes sparkling behind his mask. "Look, Zetsu-san! I'm watching a special on animals! And look at the cute little platypuses! They're _so cuddly!_" Tobi looked up at Zetsu, his face hopeful. "Oh, Zetsu-san! Can we go to a zoo and see a platypus?"

"_Like hell_."

Tobi looked down at his feet, crestfallen.

"Sorry about that," Zetsu said quickly. "Of course we can see a…platypus."

"_Really?_" Tobi squealed.

"Erm, sure. Later," Zetsu lied. "Look, Tobi. We have to go."

"But I wanna stay here and watch the platypuses," Tobi said, flopping on the floor. He stared intently at the glowing television screen. "I don't want to go anywhere right now."

Zetsu wildly racked his mind for a decent lie.

"But Tobi—we're going on a…field trip," he said, with a fake bright voice.

Tobi suddenly leapt up and launched himself at Zetsu. Zetsu found himself being enveloped in a bone-crushing hug.

"_Get off of me before I eat your spleen_."

Tobi released Zetsu, positively glowing.

"Oh, Zetsu-san!" Tobi cried. "We're going on a field trip!"

Zetsu sighed.

* * *

"There it is," the white half of Zetsu's face whispered.

Zetsu and Tobi were hidden among the rustling leaves of a large, sturdy tree. In the distance, they could see a rectangular, off-white stucco building.

"All right, listen up, Tobi," Zetsu said. "If we can complete this mission, there's a very good chance that you will be able to join Akatsuki."

Tobi's eyes went wide.

"_Really_?" he squealed.

"Er…okay," Zetsu lied. He pointed at the building. "That's the hospital. You will pose as a patient waiting for your annual checkup. Meanwhile, I will sneak into the examination room and hide. When the medic-nin leads you into the examination room, I will spring out and bind him. We will then move the medic-nin to a secluded location, question him about infection, wipe his memory, and leave." He looked at Tobi, who was dreamily staring into the clouds. "Are you even listening?"

Tobi snapped to attention, his posture rigid. "Yes, Zetsu-san!"

"Do you understand the plan?"

Tobi quickly nodded, his head rapidly bobbing up and down.

"Remember, Tobi. Do not let _anyone_ know that you are from the Akatsuki. Lie if you have to. If you let _anyone_ know that we're from the Akatsuki—"

"—_I will eat your limbs for breakfast_."

Tobi saluted Zetsu.

"All right, Zetsu-san!"

"Good," Zetsu said, nodding. "Now go. I will get everything prepared."

Tobi beamed behind his mask and leapt to the ground. With a cry of delight, he began jogging towards the hospital.

"_Fool_," the black half of Zetsu's face hissed. "_How can you trust that bumbling idiot? He will ruin everything_."

Zetsu let out a gusty sigh. "Sometimes, you have to make do with what you've got."

The other side of his face snorted.

* * *

Tobi found himself wandering the halls of the hospital, lost. He scratched his head. Zetsu san hadn't told him where to go.

"Excuse me, but are you lost?"

Tobi turned around. A white-clad medic-nin stood there, clutching a clipboard.

"Yes I am!" he said good-naturedly.

"Where do you want to go?" she asked. She raised her eyebrows at Tobi's bright orange mask. _You have got to be kidding me_, she thought. _Not another one._

Tobi looked thoughtful, as he tapped his chin with one finger.

"Well, I have to get into an examination room," he said finally. "I think that's what Zetsu-san said."

"All right then," the medic-nin spoke loudly, as if Tobi was hard of hearing. "Well, we have dozens of examination rooms here. Was there one in particular…?"

"I got it!" Tobi said excitedly. "I have to pose as a patient! I have to get a check up now."

"Pose as a patient?" the woman asked slowly.

"Yup!" he said proudly. "I'm on a mission!"

"A mission?"

"Uh-huh," said Tobi. "We're going to kidnap a medic-nin and question him about piercing infections!'" Tobi's eyes grew wide and he clapped his hands over his mouth.

The medic-nin smiled. "All right, honey," she said in a sickly sweet voice. "I think I know where you have to go."

"Really?" Tobi said from behind his fingers. "You'll help me?"

"Of course, sweetie," she said. The medic-nin turned around and pulled out a two-way radio. "We've got a delusional man here. Talking crazy. Says he wants to kidnap a doctor. Get some medics down to the 200 hallway at once. He needs to be sedated."

The medic-nin turned back to face Tobi, a fake smile plastered across her face. "Okay, hun. I just called for some people to…assist you. They'll help you find what you need."

"Okay!" Tobi said happily.

She gave him a strained smile.

All of a sudden, Tobi found all of the air knocked out of him. He was on the floor, two brawny men piled over him. Tobi let out a yelp. He flailed around, trying to get free.

"Please let me go! Tobi's a good boy!"

"Calm down, son! We're only trying to help!"

"He's struggling! Quick, get the straightjacket!"

"Tobi's a good—"

"He's hysterical!"

"He needs to be put in lockdown!"

"We need back up. This man is dangerous!"

"_But Tobi's a good booooy_!"

* * *

Meanwhile, Zetsu was skulking around outside, trying to locate an inconspicuous entrance.

His stomach growled pitifully. He hadn't eaten for a while.

"_I'm hungry. I want a snack."_

"No," the white half of Zetsu's face snapped. "We can get one later. Right now, we have a mission to do."

"_Tobi's probably wreaking havoc in there right now. We have some time,_" his other half said pleadingly. "_I saw a very tasty nurse walk in."_

"Later," Zetsu insisted.

Loud, clacking footsteps were approaching. Zetsu froze, looking around wildly. He then dove into a large yew bush.

Peeking from behind the foliage, Zetsu spotted a very attractive woman tottering down the road. Zetsu swallowed.

The black half of Zetsu's face smirked.

"_Too bad we have a mission to do_," he sighed dramatically. "_She looks very flavorful. But of course, the mission always comes first_…"

Zetsu clenched his fists.

"Well…" the white half of Zetsu's face said slowly, "A small snack wouldn't hurt…" He shook his head. "No! I will _not_ be persuaded by you!" He jabbed the black half of his body with one finger. "Remember what happened last time?"

"_How the hell was I supposed to know that the woman was a gardener?"_

"Oh shut up. You knew. That woman and her damn hedge clippers…"

The other half of his face grinned evilly.

"_Look at those nice, crunchy fingers…"_

Zetsu gritted his teeth.

"I'm not listening to you!"

"_Crunchy, crunch, crunch_…"

"No! Stop it!"

"_Just a little snack_—"

"Be quiet!"

"_Fine_," the black half of Zetsu's face pouted. "_Killjoy_."

It was silent for several moments. Suddenly, Zetsu heaved a gusty sigh.

"I hate myself."

With that, he climbed out of the bushes and skulked towards the unsuspecting woman.

* * *

"Pein?"

The blue-haired woman softly tapped at the leader's bedroom door.

"Pein, are you in there?"

She heard a muffled grunt. Rolling her eyes, she called, "I'm coming in."

She flung open the door. When she saw what lay inside, the blue-haired woman let out a sigh.

"Pein, I think you need help."

Old magazines and torn newspapers were scattered all over the floor. Empty cartons of milk lay forgotten among the strewn piles of paper. A stained Akatsuki cloak was thrown over a lampshade. The television was flipped to an infomercial channel, volume low. Pein sat slumped in a dusty armchair. His arms were hanging over the sides. His hair was rumpled and his face looked more swollen than before, metal slightly protruding from the puffiness.

Pein let out another grunt. He pointed the remote at the television, raising the volume.

The blue-haired woman quickly strode over to Pein and snatched the remote. With a flick of her wrist, she turned off the TV.

"You can't waste your time with such nonsense, Pein," she said coldly. "You are the leader of a criminal organization. It's undignified for you to mope around like this." She gestured at the messy room. She looked at him. "What's gotten into you? This isn't like you, Pein."

Pein noisily let out his breath.

"Blue," he said, using her nickname, "I'm _ruined_." He heaved himself out of his chair, facing her. "_Look at me_."

Her expression softened. Pein looked miserable. He slightly resembled a balloon animal. A balloon with _very _spiky hair.

"Your face will get better," she said softly. "And then…you'll have that evil appearance that you sought." She looked at him with heavily lidded eyes. "This will all work out in the end."

Pein closed his eyes and sat down again.

"I hope you're right."

The blue-haired woman glanced at the clock. "I'll go get a washcloth. It's time to clean your piercings."

Pein felt her touch his arm softly before leaving the room.

He smiled slightly, then let out a small cry as pain shot through his face.

* * *

Tobi lay on an uncomfortable bed with bright white linen, a tight straightjacket wrapped around his body. He felt like crying. What did he do to deserve this?

His limbs ached from both the tightness of the straightjacket and his run-in with the two burly medic-nins. Tobi whimpered. He hoped that Zetsu-san was okay.

Tobi suddenly burst into tears. He couldn't help it.

"Oh, shut up, kid."

Tobi wildly looked around. He saw a pair of beady eyes looking at him from behind a curtain that separated the room in two.

"Wh-what?"

"You heard me. Some people have it worse than you."

The curtain was flung to the side. A gruff looking man with long, white hair sat on a bed identical to Tobi's. He wore a sickly green hospital gown and a frown upon their face.

"I can't believe that those Touzoku bastards kicked me out for 'disturbing the peace.' They said I had an 'unhealthy obsession,'" the man grumbled, "Apparently I need help. So they sent me here to see a psychiatrist." He sighed, leaning back into his pillow. "They just don't respect my research. You ask for strip poker once and they condemn you for life…"

Tobi stared at the man, his head tilted to the side.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"I suppose I do need a little bit of help for my problem—huh? You want to know my name?" the man looked surprised. "I'm Jiraiya."

"I'm Tobi!" Tobi announced happily. "Tobi's a good boy!"

"A good boy, huh?" Jiraiya smiled faintly. "Why are you in a straightjacket?"

"I don't know!" Tobi's lower lip began to tremble. "Tobi's not a bad boy! Tobi didn't do anything wrong!"

"Oh, I don't know about that, kid," Jiraiya said matter-of-factly. "When they dragged you in here, I overheard a pretty nurse saying that you're a homicidal maniac who claims that he wants to massacre all the medic-nins."

"Massacre? Oh no, not Tobi!" Tobi said hastily. "That's Itachi-san's job!"

Jiraiya's eyes went wide.

"_Uchiha_ Itachi?" he asked, his voice rising. "Of the Akatsuki?"

"N-no," Tobi squeaked, remembering Zetsu's words. _Lie if you have to_. "Itachi of the…of the…we're in a band together!"

"A band," Jiraiya repeated.

"Yes!" Tobi said frantically. "Itachi-san plays the…maracas!"

"Maracas?" Jiraiya shook his head. "Kids these days…"

Tobi felt terrible. He never lied. _Tobi's a bad boy_, a sinister voice whispered in his head. _Liar, liar pants on fire…_

"No! Tobi is a good—"

Tobi felt himself spiraling downward into a black abyss, menacing voices taunting him and following him into the darkness. He squeezed his eyes shut, clamping his hands over his ears.

Tobi had prided himself for being a good boy. He felt that it was his greatest accomplishment. At the end of the day, he could go to bed knowing that he had brightened everyone's lives with his enjoyable demeanor.

But now…

All of that had been thrown away.

With a single lie.

Tobi curled into a ball, his palms tightly pressed against the sides of his heads. But the voices wouldn't stop.

_Tobi's a bad boy_.

_A bad boy_.

_A lying, stinky, lying bad boy…_

"NOOOOOO!"

Tobi began to wail. "Tobi's a bad boy!" He began to bang his head against the wall. "A baaaad boy!"

Jiraiya had a look of horror upon his face. "Take it easy, kid!"

"_Tobi's a baaaaad boy_!"

"Nurse! Anyone! SOMEONE GET IN HERE!"

"_The maracas_! _Tobi LIED!"_

An attractive young medic-nin rushed in, clutching her clipboard.

"Oh my goodness!" she cried. Tobi crumpled to the floor, wailing.

"_Tobi's a failure, oh Tobi's a failure_…"

Jiraiya eyed her up and down.

"Oh my goodness, indeed," he said, waggling his eyebrows. "Hey bay-_bay_!"

The nurse turned around and glared at him. Tobi was screeching in the background, wailing something about nonexistent maracas.

"You have a problem," she said disdainfully.

"So I've been told," Jiraiya sighed. He looked at the ceiling. _Damn strip poker_…

* * *

Meanwhile, Zetsu was making his way towards the tasty-looking woman as she continued her walk towards the hospital entrance. He could feel himself drooling. Zetsu skulked behind her, unnoticed. He leapt from bush to bush, blending in perfectly.

_Have to act fast_, Zetsu thought to himself. She was almost to the door.

The woman suddenly saw a large plant thing appear from the hedges.

"Hello," the plant thing said pleasantly. He had a very abnormal growth surrounding his head. "You look very…tasteful today."

"Oh my god!" the woman shrieked. She ran up to Zetsu and began examining his leafy growth. "What _happened_ to you?!"

Zetsu blinked.

"_What are you talking about, woman_?"

"We need to act quickly!" she shouted. "Come with me; we need to get you in the emergency room right now!"

All of a sudden, a rather lanky medic-nin came running out of the hospital.

"Ayumi!" he shouted. "Where have you been? Get in here right now! You have a patient who has been waiting for two _hours_!"

"Shut up! This man needs medical attention!" Ayumi bellowed. She gestured at Zetsu, who was standing there with a confused look on his face.

"Good god," the man said, horrified. "This man is terribly disfigured!"

"No, I'm not," protested Zetsu.

"Denial," Ayumi stated, shaking her head. "First of the seven stages of grief."

"I am _not_ grieving."

"Yes you are," the lanky man declared. "Let's get him inside. We might be able to surgically remove the foreign object from his head."

"_Get your hands off of me, cretin_. _Nobody's removing anything from my head._"

"He's hysterical!" the woman cried.

Zetsu rolled his eyes. He tensed his muscles, preparing to escape, when the man began to speak.

"He definitely needs medical attention," the male medic-nin said solemnly, latching on to Zetsu's arm. "His case of hysteria is even worse than that young man with the orange mask…we had to put him in a straightjacket and sedate him…"

Zetsu's eyes went wide.

_Tobi_.

Zetsu inwardly cursed himself for entrusting such a large mission to Tobi. He closed his eyes, thinking quickly. He had to get Tobi out. But first, he had to get _inside_.

Zetsu let the two medic-nins drag him towards the hospital.

"This is all your fault," he muttered to himself.

"_You wish, big boy._"

As soon as Zetsu reached the foyer, he wrenched his arms free and disappeared into the ground.

"What the--"

"The patient's escaping!"

The male medic-nin pulled out a two-way radio. "We have a terribly disfigured plant-man loose in the hospital! What are you talking about?! No, I'm not on crack! I swear, there is a plant-man…thing running ramped through the hospital!"

* * *

"All right, everyone! Let's breathe in sloooowly now!"

Pregnant women sat in rows, taking deep breaths. A female medic-nin sat in the front of the room, dramatically gulping in air.

"Good, good! Now, we—"

"TOBI'S A BAD BOY!"

Gasps resounded all over the room. A man wearing a swirly orange mask and a straightjacket stood in the doorway, breathing heavily.

"It's a _man!_"

"What is a man doing in our Lamaze class?"

"GET HIM!"

Tobi soon found himself surrounded by hordes of screeching, pregnant women.

* * *

**Author's Note**: Reviews would be very appreciated! Hope you liked part one of Tobi and Zetsu's adventure! 


	4. Questionable Tactics

**A/N**: Itachi and Kisame's turn. Thank you ALL for reading! And thank you SO MUCH for your kind reviews! And big thanks to the new C2 that added this story, Akatsuki Heaven!

New summary. Hopefully it's a little bit better.

I am so sorry for the late update! My AP US History class is eating up all of my free time...

I haven't forgotten about Deidara and Sasori or Zetsu and Tobi. Each Akatsuki pair has their adventure split into two parts. Once all of the first parts to their adventures are put up, then I will put up the second part.

Enjoy! XD

**Disclaimer**: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

* * *

Kisame was sitting at the breakfast table, slowly chewing on a mouthful of cereal. On his face he wore a very serious expression; a look of deep concentration, anticipation of discovery. He impatiently tapped his spoon against the tabletop as he uncrossed and recrossed his legs. His eyebrows were deeply furrowed and lips tightly pursed. 

He was trying to solve the puzzle on the back of the cereal box. He studied the riddle with narrowed eyes, regarding it with sharp frustration. Letting out an exasperated grunt, the swordsmen reached out and grabbed the box, preparing to rip it in two.

_A twelve letter word for a chemical that— _

"Kisame. Let's go."

The blue-skinned man jumped, jostling the table. The cereal box went flying, sliding over the table top and landing with a dull _thump_ upon the tiled floor. Milk sloshed out of the overflowing cereal bowl, splattering all over the table and Itachi, who was standing behind him looking rather unimpressed. Startled, Kisame turned and faced his partner. His cheeks were full of corn flakes.

"Fmfff—huh?" He swallowed without chewing and immediately burst into a fit coughing.

Itachi looked at him, his face stoic as usual. He slowly lifted one arm and wiped the milk and cornflakes from his hair, letting them slide off his shoulders and drop to the floor, forming a cereal mosaic over the linoleum.

"We're going to complete the leader's mission. Follow me."

The Mist-nin looked stricken. "But I haven't finished my cornflakes!"

Kisame instantly knew that he had just said the wrong thing. He was met with a severely displeased frown. Itachi crossed his arms, staring at the full cereal bowl with unveiled disdain.

"We're leaving. Right now." Itachi said softly. The tomoe in his eyes were slowly revolving in a hypnotic circle. The swordsman abruptly stood up, the chair legs scraping against linoleum tile. He winced at the screeching noise.

"All right," Kisame said quickly. He glanced longingly at the cereal box. "Just let me…put this…away." He gulped.

Itachi, as usual, was silent.

* * *

As Sasuke sparred with Kabuto, he found his thoughts wandering aimlessly, repeating like a broken record, whispering like hidden demons perched upon his shoulders. It was very disconcerting, to say the least. It was almost as though he was expecting someone, expecting _something _to happen. 

_But what could it be_? the Uchiha pondered, feeling rather troubled. The connection was nagging at him, dancing just out of reach.

As he parried Kabuto's blow, a ghostly visage briefly flitted through his line of vision. He narrowed his eyes.

_Itachi_…

* * *

The Akatsuki pair was hidden among the thick foliage, standing upon a thick, knobby tree limb. Because the tree tops formed a curving canopy above, the entire forest was consumed with an unsettling darkness. Looking out from his hiding place, Kisame could faintly see a small, sunken building in a far off clearing. On its north face a pair of curving snakes were carved into the stone, touched by a pool of light—the only light entering the dense forest. 

"Itachi, why are we at Orochimaru's hideout?"

For several moments, a heavy silence hung over them. Overhead, a sharp wind snaked through the treetops, causing the leaves to rustle quietly. Itachi put up one hand against his temple and pushed the hair away from his face.

The Uchiha spoke evenly. "We are going to abduct Orochimaru and question him for the leader."

Kisame nearly fell out of the tree. "_Kidnap_…Orochimaru?!" He stepped back cautiously. "One of the _Sannin_?"

"Yes," Itachi answered. "That is the very reason why we must pursue him. He has collected much information from his numerous human experiments and has piercings of his own. He will know." The Uchiha stared at Kisame unnervingly. "We will enter and subdue him with my Sharingan. Once he is incapacitated, we will move him to a concealed location and torture the information out of him."

The swordsman's mouth formed a small _o_.

"We're going to kidnap _Orochimaru_," Kisame said slowly, realizing how bizarre the whole plan sounded, "to ask him about _piercings_."

"I prefer to use the term 'abduct.' And we are going to _torture_ him. " For a moment, Itachi looked almost proud.

Kisame blinked, wondering if his partner had finally lost it.

"Itachi…" he said, reluctantly. "Isn't this entire plan…not entirely necessary? It's Orochimaru we're dealing with…"

The Uchiha stared at him.

"No one ever questions an Uchiha's tactics."

Kisame took another step back.

A hint of anger crept into Itachi's typically emotionless face. "Orochimaru tried to exploit my body. _No one_ tries to take my body without my explicit written consent." There was a furious glint in his eyes. "He will pay."

The swordsman cringed, thinking about Orochimaru and his odd obsessions. He felt a pang of pity for his partner, who had nearly ended up the next body for the snake Sannin. Kisame shivered. Orochimaru running around in Itachi's body…it was a very disturbing thought.

Itachi lowered his monotone voice. "It is possible to defeat him, with the Sharingan on our side. This time, he will not lose just a mere hand." Itachi'face was strangely contorted, his facial muscles struggling to maintain faint half smile. "_This time_, he will lose an elbow, or a scapula…"

At the thought of dismemberment and destruction at their hands, Kisame began to chuckle evilly.

"A scapula, eh?" the shinobi asked, grinning toothily. "I'm beginning to like this plan." Reaching over his shoulder, he grabbed the hilt of Samehada in one hand. "Maybe we can bring back a doggy bag for Zetsu."

Itachi quickly assumed his usual stoic expression.

"Hn."

Kisame readjusted the strap of Samehada's sheath. "Anything else, Itachi?"

The Uchiha said nothing, instead looking off into the distance. After several moments of silence, he spoke.

"We cannot separate. Terrible things always befall teams that split up."

Kisame held back a chuckle. They were from the Akatsuki; nothing could ever happen to them. They were far too skilled and powerful. Hell, they had taken down Amegakure and were S-class missing-nin. It would take someone freakishly powerful to so much as to injure them.

Neither of them fully would understand the importance of Itachi's statement until much later.

* * *

Sasuke sat on his bed in an almost statuesque manner, eyes closed in deep thought. He could feel two distinct chakra signatures nearby, creeping closer and closer. They were both painfully familiar, streaking his clear thoughts with red paint, ebbing and flowing in a endlessly until he had to suppress the urge to clutch at his head. 

_Itachi_, thought Sasuke, opening his eyes to reveal crimson eyes, _I know you're coming_. He unconsciously touched his curse seal with one finger. It burned slightly under his touch, the warmth scurrying up his fingers.

_I'm ready_.

* * *

The hallway seemed to stretch infinitely. A ways down, it faded into the dark shadows, obscuring anything lying beyond it. From the wall, a solitary torch sputtered. It cast an eerie glow over the patterned stone floor, the light shifting unsteadily, endlessly overlapping and merging. 

Their footsteps were light and quick, echoes lost in the utter silence of the corridor. It was in this gloomy silence that the Akatsuki members soon found their earlier warning disregarded and thrown to the wind.

Itachi suddenly stopped walking, holding up one hand. He spoke in a quiet, emotionless voice. "Kisame, I believe that Orochimaru's quarters are east from here, so we must…" his voice faded away. The Uchiha looked around, taking in his surroundings with impassive eyes.

"Kisame."

The Mist-nin was nowhere to be seen. Itachi rubbed his eyes, Kisame's earlier taunting ringing in his ears.

_You need glasses_.

_No_, Itachi thought indignantly, blinking a couple of times. _Uchihas do not have problems with vision_. _Ever_.

He called out again, rather irritated.

"Kisame? Kisame, this is no time for games."

The hallway was silent, his partner nowhere in sight.

* * *

The swordsman wandered aimlessly through the winding hallways. The darkness had proved distracting, leading him away from Itachi and leaving him confused within its many passages. With a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach, he realized that he could not deny it any longer. 

He was lost.

"_Damn it_," Kisame hissed. "Where's Itachi?"

Further down, he could see a soft pinprick of light emanating from a slightly open door at the end of the corridor. Muttering under his breath, the Mist-nin began running towards the break in the shadows.

All of a sudden, he was hit with an overpowering aroma. Kisame stopped, sniffing the air cautiously. _Is it poisonous gas?_ he thought, panicked. Perhaps he had inadvertently set a trap.

Frozen, he was unmoving, muscles tensing painfully. The scent was surrounding him, engulfing the hallway, trapping him in an unseen miasma of saccharine air.

It smelled too sweet to be a poisonous gas, Kisame decided after several moments. It lacked that bitter edge that signified the presence of such chemicals. He breathed deeply. It actually…smelled quite heavenly. He could hear the clanking of cooking pots from behind the door. Someone was preparing food.

_Food!_ Kisame's stomach growled pitifully. The Mist-nin hadn't been able to finish his cornflakes this morning and was ravenous. He licked his lips.

Whatever was cooking behind this door was going to be his.

With a forceful blow, Kisame smashed open the door with Samehada. He stood there in the doorway, breathing heavily.

Inside there was a small kitchen. A gigantic metal cooking pot sat atop the range, filled halfway with a boiling broth. A silver-haired man was standing at a countertop with his back turned to Kisame, wielding a large cleaver. He was chopping something up, but Kisame could not see what it was.

The Mist-nin wiped the drool from his chin. "You!" he barked. "Step away from the stove and no one gets hurt!" He waved his sword around frantically. "I have a giant sword and I'm not afraid to use it!"

The man abruptly turned around. His glasses were spattered with blood and he was covered with some sort of slime. A spark of recognition flickered across Kisame's face. It was Sasori's former spy, Kabuto. Kisame faintly remembered meeting him once before, but the details were hazy.

"No!" the young man shouted. He spread out his arms, trying to shield the food from the Mist-nin's view. "This is for Orochimaru-sama!" Kabuto was livid. "Get out of my kitchen! _No one_ disturbs an artist at work!"

In that moment, Kisame remembered how much he hated that double-crossing, prematurely graying kid.

"_Get out of my way, child!_"

"NEEEVER!"

Kisame leapt forward, trying to push the young Sound nin out of the way. There was a flurry of loud scuffling and shouting as they fought. Kabuto grabbed a sizzling frying pan off the counter and swung at Kisame. Strips of bacon flew threw the air, scattering all around in a flurry of greasy confetti. The swordsman ducked; the force of Kabuto's swipe made him lose his balance. He staggered back, dropping the frying pan and grabbing the counter for support.

Samehada was coming at Kabuto, whistling through the air. Quickly, he dove out of the way. The massive sword was deeply lodged in the countertop, embedded nearly a foot into the wood.

"_NOOO_!" Kabuto howled. "I just finished remodeling this kitchen!" He turned and fiercely glared at Kisame, his eyes large and shiny. "You _bastard_!"

He grabbed the cleaver off the countertop and brandished it menacingly.

Kisame rolled his eyes.

"I don't time for this," he growled. He crouched down, planting his feet firmly on the ground.

"What are you—"

Kisame ran towards Kabuto at full speed, tackling the young shinobi and sending him toppling to the floor. He grabbed Kabuto by the collar and flung him into the open pantry closet. With a victorious shout, Kisame slammed the door shut and locked it.

"Take_ that_!"

"Let me out! I'M _CLAUSTROPHOBIC_!" Kabuto screamed, pounding against the door. With each passing second, his voice became increasingly shrill. "_I CAN'T BREATHE! I CAN'T BREATHE! _LET ME OUT OF HEEERE!"

Kisame ignored him and faced the countertop, licking his lips in anticipation. But something was dreadfully wrong. His eyes widened in horror as he realized what Kabuto had been preparing.

Mutilated piles of seafood were piled on the countertops. To the right, a teetering mound of fish heads stared at him with blank eyes, their tails dangling off at crooked angles. Amputated shark fins were strewn among the carnage. Kisame felt nauseous. He stumbled back, his mind threatening to shut off.

"You…you _MONSTER_!" he howled. He felt his knees buckling under him. As his thoughts grew hazy, he distantly wondered where Itachi was.

That would be the last thing he would remember before slipping into unconsciousness.

* * *

A dark mahogany door suddenly opened slightly. Cautiously, Itachi stepped forward, pushing on the wood. 

An unexpected bright light made Itachi squint. Grabbing a kunai in one hand and shielding his eyes with the other, he assumed a defensive stance, ready to attack if necessary.

As his eyes adjusted to the light, Itachi realized that he was in a spacious room. As he slowly advanced, his right foot sank slightly into the ground. He jumped back.

Itachi warily scanned the floor, realizing that it was covered with thick pink shag carpeting.

_Pink_?

The bizarre color choice hardly fit in with the sinister aura of the Sannin's hideout, Itachi thought. Then again, he had to admit, Orochimaru did have strange taste. The garish purple rope bow was going much too far.

Itachi slowly turned in a circle, his eyes growing wider with each passing degree. He began rubbing at his eyes, wondering if it was merely his vision failing him once more.

_Hmm…_?

In the corner of the room lay a large bed, covered with a furry pink bedspread. Two puffy heart-shape pillows were neatly propped against the headboard, shining with a positively polyester sheen. Carefully folded blankets of varying shades of violet were smoothed over the mattress.

In another corner, a cluster of candy-colored bean bag chairs were meticulously arranged, hardly an indent in any of their seats. An oak dresser was positioned behind this gaudy sitting area, rows of perfume bottles completely situated upon its surface, its mirror clean and free of streaks.

In stark contrast with the rest of the room, one wall was mounted with various types of weaponry. Polished kunai and shuriken hung on small hooks, arranged in columns. Three katanas glinted from the middle of the peculiar collage, sleek and dangerous, displayed distinctly from the collection of projectiles surrounding them.

With faint interest, Itachi noticed that the center sword, proudly displayed among the collection, was covered in blood—a bloodstained trophy, sparkling pristinely in a spotless pink fluffy room.

A glossy poster suddenly caught his eye. Itachi quickly turned his head.

_What the_…?

His brother's face was printed across the paper. Sasuke stared at Itachi from his poster with a sulky, yet somehow attractive, scowl. The older Uchiha wildly looked around, noticing the assorted posters pasted upon the pastel pink walls, all of which were of his younger brother from different angles.

There were photographs of Sasuke eating, training, scowling…taking a shower. He strode forward, walking along each wall and examining every picture, his cold composure slowly being replaced with unwelcome uncertainty.

_I must be in the room of some sort of unstable, obsessive-compulsive fangirl_, Itachi thought incredulously.

_The worst kind of enemy._

A certain image caught his attention. In horror, Itachi grabbed and examined a framed photograph of his brother sleeping with his mouth agape and a thin line of drool dribbling down his chin. It sat atop the dresser, partially hidden among the perfume bottles. It was propped up against small jar labeled "_Sasuke_" in fancy lettering. A…used…tissue sat inside.

"What is this place?" he wondered aloud.

"Sasuke-kun? Why are you in my room?"

Itachi wheeled around, drawing a kunai.

A bespectacled young woman with bright red hair stood in the doorway. A blush was spreading across her face.

"I'm not Sasuke," Itachi said lamely.

Coyly, the redhead raised her eyebrows. She quickly took off her glasses, grinning suggestively at him.

"Mmmm," she said, her voice low. She was rolling up her sleeves. "If that's the case, Sasuke can wait."

"Wha—"

There was a loud crash, then all was silent.

* * *

"Konan…" 

The blue-haired woman looked up from her reading. She looked tired. She had been reading for hours.

"I'm researching medical jutsu. To cure your infection. What do you want?"

Pein looked at her with drooping eyes. His face was severely puffy, eyes and mouth mere slits.

"You can take them out."

Konan closed her book. "I thought you had an appearance to maintain. Isn't that what you said?"

The Akatsuki leader sighed. "Yes. But this…this isn't worth it. Please. Take them out. Let the piercings heal."

Konan looked at his face closely, running her fingers over the taut skin.

"I can't," she said finally. "Your face is so swollen, I can't reach them at all."

Her partner stared at her. "So the piercings are here to stay?"

"Yes. But I'll look up some more medical jutsu. Perhaps there is something to ease the pain."

Pein shook his head, leaning back in his chair. He glanced at the clock. "Where _are _they?"

* * *

Sasuke was running down the north corridor, his heart pounding wildly in his ear. He thought, no he _knew_, that Itachi was nearby. He could feel it in his scapula. 

A sudden shout made him stop dead in his tracks. He froze, listening intently.

Something was going on at the end of the hallway.

The realization hit.

_That's where Karin's room is._

Sasuke let out an exasperated hiss. He _hated_ Karin's room. But if Itachi was there—

He heard another shrill cry, followed by a loud crashing noise. His eyes widened.

"Oh my god," Sasuke said aloud. "Itachi's raping Karin!"

He winced, the mental picture positively disturbing. "_You sick fiend_! Damn it, Itachi!"

And with that, he hurtled down the hallway.

* * *

Kisame woke up, his head pounding. Groaning, he placed a hand against his temple. 

_What happened_?

He was sprawled over the kitchen floor, lying in a pile of bacon and miscellaneous food items. Something was jutting uncomfortably into his back. Kisame sat up and reached behind, grasping something rubbery in his hand. He brought the item close to his face.

"_AAAAAAAAH_!"

At the sight of the mutilated shark, Kisame promptly fell unconscious once again.

* * *

A few moments later, Orochimaru, clad in a fuzzy purple robe, shuffled in. He looked quite sick. The Sannin's nose was bright red and large bags were under his eyes. In one crooked arm, he was holding a floral-patterned tissue box. 

"Kabuto-kun? Do you have my soup and seafood ready?" His voice was extremely nasally and congested.

He looked around the kitchen. The floor was littered with scarps of food and a large sword was embedded in the counter.

"Are you remodeling again, Kabuto-kun?"

His disciple was nowhere in sight. Orochimaru looked around, puzzled. He suddenly noticed a large lump on the ground.

"What's this?"

Orochimaru crouched down.

"A shark?" He squinted at Kisame, who was unconscious on the floor. Orochimaru's eyes were so puffy he could barely see anything. He frowned.

"Am I supposed to eat this…?"

* * *

**Author's Note**: Reviews would be much appreciated. :D 

I feel that this was somewhat of a weak chapter. I feel like something's missing, or maybe it's too somber. Hmmm…What do you think?

Thank you for reading! You guys are the best! XD

Oh, and I also have two new crackfics up, if you would like to check them out. XD


	5. Gaara's Special Sandbox

**Author's Note**: I can't believe it took me three months to update! I am SO sorry. I kept on opening this document up and try to write something, but I kept on getting stuck. I will try to update more frequently from now on, promise.

After this chapter, we will be entering part two of all of the Akatsuki pairs' adventures.

Stronger language in this chapter, due to Hidan's colorful vocabulary.

* * *

Konan, who had been cleaning Pein's inflamed face with a washcloth, suddenly froze. She could hear something downstairs. Shouting?

"I'll be right back," she said, dropping the damp cloth. It landed upon a messy stack of newspapers. "Don't. Move."

"Hrnghm," Pein mumbled incoherently.

On her way out, Konan picked up a kunai from the bedside table. She carefully tucked it into her sleeve.

Konan quietly made her way down the stairs, wincing as one of the steps let out a shrill creak. She could hear the noise getting louder. _It's coming from the living room_, she thought to herself.

At the bottom of the staircase, Konan cautiously peered from behind the wall. She could hear…laughter?

Konan stepped out from the shadows. As the scene before her unfolded, she gasped and instantly dropped the kunai. It skittered across the wooden floorboards.

* * *

"_And what do you two think you're doing_?"

Hidan lazily looked up at the furious kunoichi.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" he snapped, irritated. "I'm watching cartoons."

The immortal was sprawled out over the couch, clad in black pajama bottoms. Konan disdainfully noticed that he wasn't wearing a shirt. On the television, a brown cartoon mouse was attacking a gray cat with a frying pan. Hidan was gleeful.

"Take _that_, you fucking heathen!" he crowed triumphantly, throwing one fist in the air.

Kakuzu, who was sitting at a small wooden table, glanced at Hidan with disdain. A pair of reading glasses was precariously perched on his nose.

"Be quiet, Hidan," he said, exasperated. "I'm trying to do our taxes."

Hidan stuck his tongue out.

"Go to hell!"

Kakuzu looked bored. "Seems like I'm already there."

Hidan gaped at him with wide eyes. "Get on your knees _right now_ and ask Jashin for forgiveness, you ungrateful son of a bitch!"

"_Silence_."

Instantly, Hidan and Kakuzu turned and faced Konan. She was furious.

"You have a mission to do," she hissed. "Get up _right now_ and complete it. _Do you understand_?"

Hidan rolled his eyes. Kakuzu set down his calculator.

"_Go. NOW._"

With that, she turned on her heel and disappeared into the stairwell.

"Bitch," Hidan breathed.

Kakuzu turned back to his accounting.

The immortal man reluctantly turned off the television. "Hey. Tentacles. So where do you want to go?"

"Hmph." His partner set down his pen and fixed him with a weary look. "I have business to attend to in Sunagakure right now."

Hidan raised one eyebrow. "So you're saying we should ditch the mission and go to Suna?"

"Basically."

Hidan grinned. "I'll go get my scythe."

* * *

The two men found themselves trudging through the endless span of the desert. Harsh winds cut through the dust, blowing sand into their faces. The sun was a driving force, sinking into their shoulders in malice.

"I have man I have to meet," Kakuzu said, tipping his conical hat farther down his forehead. "He works for the Suna council and has been quietly diverting funds into Akatsuki's bank account. I need to pick up a report from him."

"Shit," Hidan remarked. "That's pretty hardcore."

Kakuzu looked thoughtful. "I guess we could ask him for information about the leader's problem. He's been around a lot. Kill two birds with one stone."

"So how do we get into the council building to meet him? The village's locked up as tight as fuck."

Kakuzu stopped walking. "We need to impersonate officials and get into the building."

"Are you serious?" Hidan asked dubiously. He gestured wildly. "Look at us! You have fucking tentacles growing out of you, idiot! We're going to stand out!"

His partner was offended, but he tried not to show it. "And what about you, Hidan? How do you stand out?"

Hidan stared at him as though it was obvious.

Kakuzu sighed. "You still think you're the most gorgeous man on earth, don't you?"

Hidan looked away and scowled.

"…Maybe."

* * *

They could see the great entrance to Sunagakure in the far distance. A single guard sat there in the heat, looking bored out of his skull.

"So what should we do?" Hidan asked. "Rush in and fuck him up?"

"Very subtle," Kakuzu said, unimpressed. "Why don't we just announce that we're going to declare war on their village?"

"Hey, I'm just listing possibilities," countered Hidan. "You come up with something then, dumbass."

Kakuzu froze. "What's that?"

"What's what?"

"Get down."

With that, Kakuzu pushed Hidan to the ground. Sand went flying as the two men went rolling down the face of the dune.

"What the fuck?!" Hidan sputtered. He batted away Kakuzu's tentacles. "I don't want to do that with you! Get your tentacles off me, heathen!"

Kakuzu glared at him. "Shut up, Hidan. Someone's coming."

The two missing-nin crouched behind the protruding sand dune, tentatively peering around its side. In the distance, two men were wading through the sand. Hidan's eyes narrowed.

"Iwagakure nin."

"How can you tell?" Kakuzu asked.

"Believe me. I know an Iwa nin when I see him. Heathens, all of them." Hidan shook his head. "Especially Deidara, the asshole."

Kakuzu's eyes glowed a brilliant green. "Hidan. Who do you think those two Iwagakure nin are?"

"How the hell am I supposed to know that?"

"Take a guess."

"I don't know…Diplomats?"

"Exactly." Kakuzu glanced at the slowly advancing men. "See all of those papers they're carrying with them? They're definitely diplomats."

A grin slowly spread across Hidan's face. "Let's get 'em."

"Remember. Subtlety."

Hidan snorted. "Screw that. Let's move."

With that, the two Akatsuki members crept out and made their way across the sand.

* * *

A few minutes later, after the unsuspecting Iwagakure shinobi had found themselves trussed like turkeys, and Hidan and Kakuzu had stolen everything off of them, the two missing-nin began to set out for Sunagakure's grand entrance.

"This is really uncomfortable," the first Iwa diplomat complained.

"I'm going to get sunburned!" the second diplomat wailed. Most of their clothing had been taken from them.

"Oh, shut up," the first said crossly. "I don't care about your problems."

"You _always_ say that!" the second complained. He scrunched up his nose. "You're mean!"

"My wife says that all the time and it never bothered me," the first said smugly.

The second diplomat paused, thinking that over.

"You don't have a wife."

The first diplomat was silent for several moments.

"Well…I used to." He frowned. "…I think."

* * *

"Hey. You. Wake up, dumb fuck."

The Sunagakure guard found himself being jostled violently.

"Wh-wh-huh?"

His eyelids flew open. Two men dressed in muted garb stood before him. His eyes widened as he noticed the Iwagakure symbol upon their hitai-ates.

"Finally," the second of the two Iwa shinobi grumbled. "Lazy bastard."

"Hey, what's going on here?"

A second guard came walking into the scene. "I leave for one minute to get a sandwich and…" He noticed the two Iwagakure shinobi cornering his companion. "Er, hello…?"

"Our papers," the first ninja said curtly, thrusting an official-looking paper in his face. "We're diplomats. From Iwagakure."

"Oh!" the Suna guard exclaimed. "Well then…welcome!"

"Yeah, yeah," one of the shinobi said dismissively. "Just show us to the council building."

The second Sunagakure guard pushed his companion forward. "Lead them there!"

"Okay, okay!" the other guard said hastily, stumbling forward. He gestured for the diplomats to follow him. "Come with me."

They soon disappeared around the street corner in a flurry of dust.

* * *

The new Kazekage looked up from his paperwork as the door clicked open. His older sister hesitantly poked her head in.

"Gaara? Have you got a minute?"

"Yes. Come in."

Temari stepped inside, closing the door behind her. She noticed a strange structure next to her brother's desk.

"Gaara. What's that?"

Her brother stared at her. Wasn't it obvious? "A sandbox."

Temari was confused, but decided to ignore it. Gaara was a very complex person, after all. If he wanted to install a sandbox in his room, then gosh darn it, he deserved to do just that.

"So, the Iwagakure diplomats have arrived," Temari said, settling into a seat facing the Kazekage. "Why exactly did you ask for them? Haven't they been on bad terms with Konoha?"

"Yes, in the past," Gaara said, flipping through his papers. "But they're in a good location. We are going to ask them to ally themselves with Suna and Konoha. It will be great for the economy. They have quite a lot of resources."

Temari was unsure. "Be careful with those guys, Gaara. I just spoke with one of the guards. They seem pretty sketchy."

"I am the Kazekage. I'm always careful."

"Well, those guys are pretty strange," Temari frowned. "Apparently one of them called our guard a…dumb fuck?"

Gaara set down his pen. "They may be crude, but this is a deal that must be taken care of."

"All right then," Temari slid off the chair. "See you later, Gaara."

She was heading out the door, when Gaara suddenly spoke. "Temari."

"Yes?"

"You asked about my sandbox."

"Yes," Temari said, puzzled. Her brother didn't usually divulge information like this.

Gaara looked pleased. "It's my special sandbox."

Temari bit her lip. _Special sandbox?_

"The sand," Gaara said patiently. "It was my first friend. I've saved it since I was a young child."

"Er, that's okay, Gaara," Temari said awkwardly. "I have to leave now."

"I had this sandbox put in yesterday, to keep it with me at all times. It's our anniversary today. Do you like it, Temari?"

Temari froze. Apparently her brother was still in a very delicate state of mind. The stress of just having become Kazekage was clearly affecting his mind.

"Yes, Gaara," she said slowly. "It's very pretty."

Her brother nodded his head approvingly.

"It's my mother."

Temari gave him an awkward nod and slowly sidled out the door.

Maybe the insomnia was finally taking a toll on his mentality?

Then again, her brother had always been somewhat unstable.

Temari sighed. It was probably Kankuro's doing. She was going to have a little chat with her dear brother when she got home.

* * *

Kakuzu and Hidan were in the council building's lobby. It was completely empty.

"Must be lunch time." Hidan looked at Kakuzu. "So, where do we find your bastard?"

Kakuzu whipped out a rolled up map. "His office is on the fourth floor."

The two men only took a few steps forward when a young blonde woman entered the room from the corridor ahead.

"Oh, you must be the diplomats from Iwagakure," she said. "The Kazekage's expecting you."

Hidan nudged Kakuzu. "Looks like your plan's fucked, buddy."

The girl frowned. "What did you say?"

"Nothing," Kakuzu said quickly. "Uh, yes, we're the diplomats." He began to walk away. "We should go to the Kazekage immediately. Important business and whatnot."

"I can lead you guys to his office," the girl said. "I was just there a few minutes ago."

"Uh, we're going to have to pass on that, blondie," Hidan said. "We have to…find a bathroom. My associate here has stomach problems." He elbowed Kakuzu hard in the ribs. "Nasty stuff, seriously."

Kakuzu scowled.

The young woman fixed him with a suspicious stare.

"I can lead you guys to a bathroom too, you know," she said, crossing her arms. "I know this place pretty well."

Kakuzu narrowed his eyes. This girl was messing up their plans.

"All right," he said, resignedly. "Show us to his office, then."

She gave them a slight smile. "Follow me."

As she led them to a winding staircase, the girl turned around.

"Don't think I'm not keeping my eye on you two," she said.

Hidan grinned. "Wouldn't want to have it any other way, blondie."

Behind him, Kakuzu was desperately trying to restrain himself from strangling the lot of them with his bare tentacles.

* * *

"So what are your names?"

Hidan and Kakuzu stopped in their tracks.

"What?"

"Your names," the blond girl repeated. She turned and faced them. "What are your names?"

Hidan glanced at Kakuzu. His partner was grinding his teeth beneath his face covering.

"That's Rei," Kakuzu said quickly, before Hidan could open his mouth. "I'm…Nao."

"That's ironic," the girl muttered.

All of a sudden, a harried looking man hurtled down the hallway.

"Hello Temari," he said hurriedly to the girl. He glanced over at Kakuzu and Hidan. "And hello…?"

His pale eyes grew wide as he recognized Kakuzu's face. He grabbed the missing-nin's wrist.

"You!" the man said. "Come by my office as soon as possible. I'm leaving Suna in two hours." He winked.

The man gave Temari a curt nod and was gone in an instant.

"What was that about?" Temari asked. "What was up with the winking?"

"Business," replied Kakuzu. "Just business."

Temari raised her eyebrows.

"I'm warning you," she said, "I don't want any kinky stuff going around here. This is a professional place."

"What are you—?"

Temari stared at him. "You know what I'm talking about. The winking. The business. The implied intimacy."

"But—"

The blonde woman began walking again, ignoring Kakuzu's protests.

* * *

"Okay, here's the Kazekage's office."

Temari ushered Hidan and Kakuzu into a very well-furnished room. The office had a very stunning view of the entire village. Looking around the room, Hidan noticed an odd structure protruding from the ground.

Temari saw him gazing at the construction. "Whatever you do, don't touch that. The Kazekage's in a very…delicate state of mind right now, and it'd be best if you leave his important items alone."

"Where is he?" Kakuzu asked gruffly. He glanced at the clock. He needed to get his money and leave. Now.

"Probably on a lunch break," answered Temari. She made for the exit. "Just sit here and wait. He'll be back soon."

With that, the kunoichi left. The door clicked shut behind her.

Kakuzu slumped in a chair. "_Damn it_!"

"That blond chick really fucked up your plans, didn't she?" Hidan chuckled gleefully. "And she thinks you're trying to buy up one of the council members for some sort of night fling. This is too rich, seriously."

Kakuzu shot him a very nasty glare. "I want my money _now_. I have no time to play diplomat to Sunagakure."

Hidan shrugged. "We'll tell that Gaara kid that we need to reschedule and find that guy. Lighten up."

A half hour passed. Kakuzu was impatiently tapping his foot while Hidan wandered around the office. He passed by the strange construction on the ground. It instantly caught his eye.

"Heh, what's this?"

Hidan walked up to a small circular pit in the floor. It was filled with sand.

"Looks like a sandbox."

Kakuzu glanced over. "Don't touch it."

Hidan scoffed. "Why? Is it going to kill me?"

"No. But that girl said it was really important. You might damage it and we'd have to pay."

"Why would the Kazekage have a sandbox in his office?" Hidan ignored his partner's words and crouched down, inspecting its contents. "Messed up kid."

The sand glittered gold and yellow. It was calling to him. Hidan slowly extended his arm, ready to touch it.

"Hidan! What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm touching the sand, dumbass."

"No, put that _down_—"

"For the love of Jashin, Kakuzu. Calm down. Seriously."

"Hidan!"

Hidan laughed, weighing the sand in his palms. "What the hell are you so worked up about? It's not like the sand's going to rip out my organs or anything."

"_But it can do just that_."

Hidan whirled around. The Kazekage, Gaara, stood in the doorway, followed by an entourage of council members. His face was eerily calm.

"You just violated my special sand."

"Special sand?" Hidan repeated incredulously. "What kind of fuckery is that?"

The council members were silent, staring at him with wide eyes. They began to back away.

"Just what exactly does the Tsuchikage think he's doing, sending two diplomats who _dare_ to violate my most prize possession?"

"Er…" Kakuzu ground his teeth. _Damn it, Hidan_. "We apologize…?"

"No!" Gaara roared, throwing all of his calm composure out the window. "NOBODY touches my special sand. This is an act of _war_!"

Hidan began to hastily brush the sand off his hands. "There! It's off, it's off!" The sand sank into the carpet. "Oh, _shit…_"

"NO!" the Kazekage hissed. "That sand was my first friend_! You TAINTED it_!" His eyes were growing wild. "_Tainted it_!"

Gaara's eyes bulged as he thrust an arm forwards and grabbed Hidan by the collar.

"Get your hands off me, heathen!" Hidan choked out. "Guh…Jashin will smite your ass!"

Kakuzu could see his plans crumbling before him. He felt nauseous.

"Iwagakure has declared war on our village!" Gaara said hoarsely, his eyes hard. "Sunagakure is now at war!"

Kakuzu hid his face in his hands.

And just how were they supposed to explain this one to the leader?

* * *

**Author's Note**: I feel Kakuzu was rather out of character. What do you guys think?

And as for their fake names…Rei means 'polite' and Nao means 'honest.'

The next chapter will be coming out very soon. I promise!


	6. Feather Boas

**Author's Note**: Deidara and Sasori's adventure, part two! Enjoy!

A gigantic thank you to all who reviewed. I really appreciate it! You guys are the best.

* * *

"Let go of me, un!" Deidara shouted, shaking his arm free of the woman's grip. 

She tapped her foot impatiently. "Listen, Mai. I don't care how nervous you are. You are going to compete and you are going to _like it_. Understand, missy?"

"But I'm not—"

"Shush!" the woman barked. She pushed Deidara forward. "Here we are!"

Deidara was livid. "Listen to me, un! I'm not—" His voice faltered. "Wait, what is _that_?"

"Are you stupid, girl?" the woman said. "That's the grand prize for the beauty pageant."

"It's…" Deidara's eyes were brimming with tears. "…_beautiful_!"

Upon a large revolving dais sat a massive painting. Explosions of color covered the entire canvas; bursts of golden yellows converged with splotches of brilliant reds, blues, and violets. The colors overlapped, revealing colors of every spectrum and shade. Deidara dropped to his knees.

"Mai. Get up. Now."

Deidara looked up at the woman and gave her a shaky smile. "Where do I get changed, un?"

* * *

Sasori was exasperated. Where the hell did Deidara go? That blonde kid was always getting himself lost. 

He found himself wandering into the West Touzoku section of the village. A large banner caught his attention.

"…Beauty pageant?"

Sasori hadn't seen any beautiful women for a long time. Years, in fact.

Konan didn't count, he decided. She was too busy frolicking with the leader.

Intrigued, the puppet master followed the arrows leading to the site of the beauty pageant.

* * *

Deidara found himself in a large room. Racks of fluffy dresses were scattered all over. Harried women tottered around on ridiculously high heels, snarling at whoever crossed their paths. Clouds of hairspray made him choke. 

It was a jungle.

Deidara looked around, overwhelmed.

"Hey, where do I—"

The woman was gone.

"Hey, watch it!"

Deidara found himself jostled to the side by a woman with outlandish poofy hair.

"_You_ watch it, un!" Deidara said angrily. "Or I'll blast you with my exploding clay!"

"Hmph," the girl harrumphed. "Noob." She tossed her hair and moved on.

This was unfamiliar, dangerous territory, Deidara realized. He had to tread carefully.

"Excuse me, un," he said to a girl fixing her makeup, in a strangled, high-pitched voice. "Where can I find a dress?"

She looked at him, unemotional. "Whatever you brought in. Should have your name on it."

"Thanks."

The girl ignored him and turned back to the mirror.

Deidara stalked over to the racks of dresses and pawed through the fabric, searching for a tag labeled _Mai_.

After a few moments of searching, he finally found the one.

"You've got to be kidding me, un…"

* * *

"This…this is…" 

Sasori's eyes brimmed with tears. He looked up at the piece of artwork with astonishment. Explosions of color were peppered across the canvas, which sat upon a slowly revolving dais.

"…_hideous_! They call this a work of art?" Sasori scoffed. "It looks like something Deidara would have made."

He shook his head and began to make his way into the beauty pageant site. However, a woman with obscenely bright hair and a feather boa grabbed him by the collar and spun him around.

"And just where do you think you're going, little boy?"

"Unhand me, woman," Sasori said, annoyed. "There's someone I have to find."

She laughed. It was an unpleasant sound. "Oh, I don't think so. No children are allowed." She wrinkled her nose. "They're just so grubby."

"I'm not a child."

"Yes, you are," she insisted. "Now leave, child."

Sasori looked at her, unimpressed. "And what are you going to do to stop me?"

The woman slowly unwound the feather boa from her neck. She had an unsightly leer plastered across her face.

"This," she said, and gagged Sasori.

* * *

Deidara stiffly ambled out of his dressing room, unsteadily staggering on stiletto heels. His dress was a hideous little thing—mounds of feathers were piled on in layers. Gaudy rhinestones dotted the bodice. Kakuzu would have had a heart attack. Or two. Or three. 

He felt very awkward.

"Oh you are too adorable!"

He heard squealing. It was getting louder, crescendoing into a loud roar.

His eyes widened.

"—un!"

He soon found himself being engulfed in a sea of squealing women, pinching his cheeks and fluffing his hair.

…A jungle indeed.

* * *

Sasori struggled to be free from his bonds. He was in a small, locked room, lit by a single candle. The bright-haired woman had thrown him into the closet and stalked away, pleased with her handiwork. 

If only he had Hiruko…

Sasori grumbled. Here he was, a highly-ranked missing-nin. Locked in a supply closet. Bound and gagged with a feather boa, of all things.

His arms were tied tightly to his sides. His shuriken pouch had dropped off, probably when the woman dragged him to this godforsaken place.

He needed a plan.

Sasori closed his eyes, thinking. The boa was tightly knotted all over his body. He couldn't extend any of his limbs; the knots were just so damn convoluted.

He looked down and noticed that his left foot was uncovered. A small smile made his lips twitch.

His foot detached from his puppet body. He clenched his teeth as he maneuvered the foot towards the candle, where he gripped the base with his toes.

Satisfied, he brought candle over to burn apart the boa.

Unfortunately for Sasori, his toe dexterity was not quite top-notch. The candle dropped to the floor. In horror, Sasori noticed that the flames were spreading to a stack of magazines piled on the ground.

He blinked, waiting for the emotions to full set in.

"Oh…_mother_…"

* * *

Deidara crawled out of the room on his hands and knees. He gasped for breath. 

"GAH!"

Deidara collapsed on the ground. The concrete felt cool against his cheek.

"—Mai! What do you think you're doing, young lady?!"

He looked up to find the woman with painfully bright hair staring down at him, tapping her foot impatiently. Her feather boa was missing.

Deidara was yanked to his feet. The woman began dragging him once again. She clearly had some control issues. "The pageant's about to start!"

He felt himself go numb.

Damn stage fright.

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen!" the bright-haired woman announced cheerfully. "Welcome! I'm Yui, your host for this evening!" 

Deidara peered at the audience from behind the curtain. His mouth was dry. For the first time in his life, Deidara was nervous.

Yui laughed merrily. "All right, everyone! Let's bring in the contestants!"

Deidara found himself pushed into the line of women. They began to file on to the stage.

The lights beat down on him, making his forehead glisten with sweat.

"Aren't these ladies lovely?" Yui's voice boomed. "Now let's introduce the judges!"

The teeth on the palms of Deidara's hands were chattering. It was going to be a long night.

* * *

Gingerly, Sasori leaned towards the flames, trying to get the feathers close to the heat. 

Smoke was beginning to fill the room. He crouched down, willing for his bonds to break quickly.

He used his extended foot to pick at the knots in the boa. At this moment, Sasori was wishing that he had thought to load his foot with weapons.

With a welcome _snap!_, the bindings around Sasori's upper body broke. He would have to bunny-hop it, but he didn't care at this point.

He extended his arms from his torso, revealing a large array of weaponry in his limbs. Sasori selected a nice long saber and hurled himself against the door. It fell to the ground with a crash.

Freedom.

Smirking, Sasori hopped down the hallway, his legs still bound together with that god-awful feather boa. Flames leapt out of the room behind him.

* * *

"Mai," the first judge said. He was a jolly, chubby man who insisted on wearing a monocle. He claimed that it made him look richer. "You are just perfect. Your artwork is amazing, your poise is absolutely brilliant." 

Deidara beamed.

The second judge, a unfriendly-looking man with a perpetual scowl upon his face, stroked his chin.

"Good."

The entire audience gasped. They had never heard him say anything positive. Ever.

The last judge, a chipper young woman who would constantly twirl a piece of hair around her finger, gave Deidara a sugar-sweet smile. "And that is why you're this year's pageant queen!"

The crowd broke out into applause. Deidara positively glowed.

"And here is your prize, a million dollar masterpiece by Rem!" Yui exclaimed. The painting was carried onstage, grand and magnificent. Deidara ran up to it.

"Thank you, un!" he exclaimed. "This is such an honor—"

"DEIDARA!"

Everyone turned around to face the young red-haired boy who stood in the doorway, gasping for breath. His legs were wrapped in a hideous feather boa and his clothing was terribly singed. Deidara felt his stomach drop.

"DEIDARA!" Sasori shouted again. He bunny-hopped forward. "Let's get out of here, you bastard!"

"Shut up, un!" Deidara growled.

Yui was livid. "What are you doing here, you grubby little child? What business do you have with Mai?"

"Mai?" Sasori looked confused. "That's my associate up there. Deidara. Now, if you would please let him go…"

Yui nearly dropped her microphone. "Excuse me? _Him_?"

Deidara was frantically gesturing for Sasori to stop talking.

"Yes," Sasori replied impatiently. "Him. Now, Deidara, if you please…? We have to find the piercings specialist, Yui."

"Yui?" the woman exclaimed. "That's me!"

Several things happened at that point. Most of the audience members lunged forward, coming after Deidara with a bloodthirsty intent. The judges sobbed in each other's arms. And all the color in Yui's face drained away.

"_You're_ the piercings specialist?" one of the guards barked at her. "Come with me, ma'am. You're under arrest for failing to register your business with officials."

"No!" she screeched. "You'll never get me alive, bitches!" With that, she began to sprint off the stage.

A harried looking woman scurried into the room.

"There's a fire in the east wing of the building!" she screeched.

Her cries were lost in the uproar of the crowd, who all came rushing after the blond nin, screaming in outrage.

"SASORI!" Deidara bellowed, as he ran by, grabbing his associate's arm. He began to sprint, dragging Sasori along.

"I hope you're happy," Deidara snarled. "That painting was almost _mine_, un!"

"That hideous thing?" Sasori scoffed. "And why would you want something like that?"

Deidara glared at him. "You—!"

With that, he pushed Sasori down on the ground and ran for his life. Sasori looked up. The mob was steadily coming closer—

"IT'S ALL HIS FAULT!"

"GET THE KID!"

Sasori blinked.

"Oh…_shit_."

* * *

**A/N**: Hope you liked it! Next chapter: the conclusion of Tobi and Zetsu's adventure! Thanks for reading, and please review! 

I did revise the beginning of chapter one...I felt it was a bit too "ramble-ly." Hope it's a little better now!

Winter break is winding down, and I finally have to finish my DBQ project. Gah. But I will fit in some writing during my breaks, promise. I will be so happy when APUSH is over...


	7. The Godfather

**Author's Note**: Gack. I am so sorry for the (second) delay. I've decided that this story will be taking top priority. I'll try not to start anything new until this is done, which is going to be a bit of a challenge for me. But I promise you..._this fic will be finished_!

Part two of Tobi and Zetsu's adventure. Enjoy!

* * *

Wading down the hallway, his torso above the linoleum floor and legs paddling unseen underneath, Zetsu found himself contemplating his very bizarre situation.

He had a pair of doctors after him. They had been very specific when they announced that they wanted to remove the plant-like appendage from his body.

He had to find Tobi, who had apparently been sedated after an episode which had garnered him the label of "hysterical". Zetsu gritted his teeth. Tobi knew too much information—who knew how long he could last before announcing that he was from the Akatsuki?

At this point, the notion of getting the leader's information was laughable. There was no way in hell that Zetsu or Tobi could approach a doctor without a red alert sounding.

"There he is! There's the man with the growth on his head!"

"Quick! Get him!"

The two doctors, their expressions alight with frantic triumph, were hurtling down the hallway towards him. With a grimace, Zetsu prepared to dive into the floor and finally be rid of this talk of his unusual body. It was rather damaging to his self-esteem.

Zetsu melted into the vomit-colored linoleum, easing himself through the bedrock. The footsteps were still far away. He was going to make it.

"Got him!"

…Maybe not.

Letting out a surprised yelp, Zetsu found himself being hoisted out of the floor by a gigantic hand. A beefy man clad in a too-tight bleached uniform held up the startled missing-nin like a trophy. Zetsu tried squirming away, but to no avail. The man had an iron grip.

"Nighty-night, veggie man."

A needle not-so-ceremoniously slid underneath Zetsu's skin. He was dimly aware of the pain as he began to lose consciousness.

"_Get him to the operating room, stat!_"

As his vision descended into darkness, a single thought crossed his mind.

He was _screwed_.

* * *

"Where are they!"

A frantic female medic-nin who looked as if she belonged in a jazzercise video skidded to a halt at the front desk. The receptionist looked up, bored.

"Can I help you, ma'am?"

"Yes!" the medic-nin raised her voice. "_All of the ladies at my Lamaze class just disappeared_!"

The receptionist did not look troubled. "And…?"

"Some man in a swirly orange mask was herding them like…like…" the woman struggled to find an apt way to describe it. "…_sheep_!"

"Swirly orange mask," the receptionist repeated. She fixed the medic-nin with a hawkish glare. "Look, lady. I don't have time to play games. Go bother someone else."

The medic-nin took a deep breath.

"Fine," she said, her voice sliding up an octave. "See if I care when _you're_ pregnant!"

And with that, she turned on her heel and stomped off.

"Crazy schmuck," the receptionist muttered.

All was calm and quiet in the lobby. But that peace was short-lived.

"Come on, ladies! Onward!"

A man wearing a swirly orange mask ran past the front desk. Shredded remains of a straightjacket hung loosely around his waist; the rest of the fabric was tied around the many foreheads of the pregnant women following closely behind him.

A loud whoop rippled across the crowd of females and shot forward to the strange man, who let out the noisiest whoop of all.

"Let's go!"

And the peculiar group was off.

The receptionist didn't even spare a glance. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary, after all.

* * *

_Where am I?_

An intense white light was searing into his retinas.

_Am I dead_?

"Gloves," an impatient, yet familiar male voice ordered. "_I need my gloves, Ayumi_!"

"I heard you the first time!" a female voice retorted. "Here."

"You don't have to be so pushy," the man grumbled. He cleared his throat. "Scalpel?"

"Scalpel," answered Ayumi, handing the surgeon the item.

With a sudden jolt, Zetsu realized where he was. He was in the operating room.

Being _operated_ on.

"_We might be able to surgically remove the foreign object from his head,"_ Zetsu recalled a lanky doctor saying.

Oh…_shit_.

Zetsu tried moving his arms, but they refused to budge. His body was immobilized, weighed down by the anesthesia.

At least they could have given him some _more_, so he wouldn't wake up during his operation. Like now.

Zetsu silently flashbacked to all of the good times he had had with his plant-like appendage. They had grown up together. It had been party, with the three of him—his white half, his black half, and the flytrap. It had been a regular fiesta.

…You can't have a fiesta with two.

Swallowing his dismay, Zetsu found half of him wanting to look at the positives. Grudgingly, he obliged.

Well, without the plant on his body, he wouldn't have to invest in fertilizer anymore. That was a plus. He wouldn't have trouble fitting through doors, and he could go to that New Year's party without feeling like a schmuck. He could even go to restaurants and not have to wait for Pein to bring back a doggy bag full of soggy ribs.

The more he thought about it, the more Zetsu was convinced that this operation wasn't so bad after all.

…He _could_ use some more anesthesia, however.

"I am about to make a lateral incision along the growth," the male doctor declared dramatically.

Zetsu squeezed his eyes shut. He was ready. He could feel the cold blade of the scalpel pressing against his petiole.

There was a sudden commotion. Something metal clattered to the ground a few yards away.

"I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU, ZETSU-SAN!"

Zetsu inwardly moaned. Could it be…?

"Tobi came back for you!"

Yes. Yes it was.

* * *

"I'll be right back." Konan stood up from her post beside Pein's sick-chair.

"Mrerarugwin?"

Konan extended her arm. Paper was peeling off her forearm. "I'm going to the convenience store to get a glue stick." She tucked her arm back into her sleeve. "Need anything?"

"…Gnroe."

* * *

The man jumped as the doors to the OR burst open. His scalpel went flying in to the air, bouncing against the wall and landing uselessly on the ground.

"What in the—"

An orange-masked man wearing a ravaged straightjacket like a grass skirt was occupying the doorway. He was backed by a large crowd of pregnant women. His breathing was heavy and ragged.

"It's that hysterical man!" Ayumi shouted. "The one with the maracas!"

With the word _maracas_, Tobi let out an anguished howl. The women gasped.

"You upset our leader!" a woman snarled. Her pregnant stomach quivered angrily.

"Get them!" another bellowed.

As a team of expectant mothers assaulted the doctors, Tobi staggered to his partner's operating table.

"Zetsu-san!" he cried, a fat tears sloshing down his mask. "Are you okay?"

Zetsu, his eyes still screwed shut, released a rueful sigh.

"No," he said glumly, thinking about the rest of his life as a human abomination.

"Well, Tobi's glad that you're still alive!" the plucky nin announced cheerfully.

Zetsu clumsily sat up. His limbs were still numb, but he thankfully had his wits about him. He took in his surroundings. A cluster of women, their bellies greatly distended, were swatting at a group of cowering doctors.

"Tobi," Zetsu said slowly. He rubbed his eyes. "_Why the hell is there a group of pregnant women beating up those doctors_?" He took a double take. "And why were they following you?"

His subordinate shrugged. "They said that they were drawn to Tobi. Something like that."

Zetsu continued to stare. An expecting woman was attacking the main surgeon with her shoe.

"Let's go, Zetsu-san," urged Tobi, tugging at his sleeve. His superior swung his legs over the side of the operating table with a grimace.

"_OOOIII_!"

Zetsu and Tobi whipped around, startled. One of Tobi's followers was doubled over in pain.

"It's coming!" she gasped. She had a pained expression. "Help me!"

Zetsu felt himself growing nauseous.

"What's coming?" Tobi asked, panicked.

"The baby!" the woman choked out. "You have to help me…deliver it!"

Tobi turned to his partner. He was very confused. "Zetsu-san…what…?"

"She wants us to catch the baby when it comes out," Zetsu said slowly. His face was the same color as his hair. "_Haven't you ever watched TV_?"

"Tobi doesn't watch that sort of thing!" wailed Tobi. He was terrified. The woman was screaming now; she sounded like she was in intense pain. "Zetsu-san…"

And Tobi slumped forward. He was unconscious.

"You have to help her, friend-of-leader!" a woman prodded Zetsu's shoulder. "It's coming!"

Zetsu looked stricken. "_Like hell_."

"You have to!"

"You selfish monster!"

Moving as one, the women quickly swarmed over Zetsu and began whacking _him_ with their shoes, leaving the doctors out cold in the corner.

"Fine, fine, fine!" Zetsu said hastily. The assault of shoes instantly stopped.

Zetsu, albeit shakily, struggled to his feet. He was pushed over to the sink, where he scrubbed his arms with soap and warm water. A pair of rubber gloves was handed to him; he gingerly put them on.

"Why can't one of you do this?" Zetsu was still fighting back nausea.

"I'm squeamish."

"It'd beawkward."

"I'd rather not."

Another loud shriek sounded through the room. Zetsu sighed. He settled into an catcher's stance.

Play ball.

* * *

Tobi groggily opened his eyes. Through rapid blinking, the room slowly came into focus. There was a quiet urgency about the room. Anticipation.

And suddenly…a cry rang out, interrupting the swollen silence.

"It's a boy!" Tobi could hear Zetsu announce.

Tobi willed himself to sit up. His joints were unbelievably stiff, but somehow, he managed.

Craning his neck, Tobi looked over in the direction of his superior's voice.

He was met with a most unusual sight.

Zetsu, tenderly holding a newborn in his arms, had a joyful expression upon his face. He handed the bundle to his mother. She looked both exhausted and delighted.

"You did it!" the women flocked to Zetsu. "You're a hero!"

Zetsu beamed. Thank god for television.

The new mother cuddling the baby close. "I'm going to name my little boy 'Zetsu' after his godfather." She gave Zetsu a grateful smile.

A warm blush spread up Zetsu's face. He decided that he had half a mind to quit the Akatsuki and become an obstetrician.

The woman held out her child. He squirmed in her arms. "Would you like to hold him?"

The newborn was warm in Zetsu's arms. The small being looked up at his namesake with impossibly large, adorable eyes. Zetsu felt himself melt.

"You're just too adorable," he murmured. "_I could just eat you up_."

A grin spread across Tobi's face. He had never seen Zetsu-san so happy.

"HEY!"

Everyone turned to the corner of the room. A team of doctors, fronted by Ayumi, and the main surgeon, were on their feet, looking very displeased.

"It's the hysterical man!" the tall, lanky medic-nin accused angrily. "And his disfigured friend, too!"

"Get them!"

The new mother looked up at Zetsu. "We'll form a human shield, but we can only hold them for so long." She took her baby from his arms. "You and the leader…_run_!"

Zetsu and Tobi nodded. With one last farewell, they were off, dashing for the front door.

The pregnant women formed a wall. They held up their shoes menacingly.

"Just try and get through us!" one growled. "Just _try_!"

The doctors shrank back, fearful of another beating.

"That's right," the main woman said with a smirk. "Don't mess with motherhood!"

As the mothers-to-be advanced forward, the doctors collectively gulped.

* * *

**Author's Note**: I hope I didn't offend any mothers-to-be...

Reviews would be much appreciated. Please?

I'm just getting over a long period of writer's block, so there may be some mistakes in this. I proofread it, but I could have missed something. If you find a mistake, could you please let me know? Thanks!


	8. Glasses

**Author's Note**: After this chapter, only two more to go…I think. XD

I had some trouble writing this chapter, with the eventfulness of chapter 393. My jaw's still somewhere on the floor…

* * *

Kisame felt foolish.

He had reason to feel foolish, of course. After getting mistaken for an oversized fish, Kisame had found himself stuffed and sealed in a rather cramped aquarium, which, to his dismay, held the honor of being located in none other than Orochimaru's room.

Muttering to himself about the absurdity of it all, Kisame tried to find a comfortable position. He just barely fit in the aquarium. Kisame uttered a silent apology to all of the aquatic critters whose space he was violating. How Orochimaru had mistaken him for an average fish, he did not know. And how Orochimaru had dragged him all the way down to his quarters and hoisted him into the aquarium was beyond him.

A hacking noise made Kisame turned his head. Orochimaru, clad in a furry purple bathrobe, lay sprawled over his imperial bed. He was in a feverish sleep; his frequent coughing made his frame twitch sporadically. A hot, angry flush crawled across his face. It was almost pitiful.

All of a sudden, Orochimaru sat up in bed. His puffy eyes remained shut.

"Kabuto-kun," he droned in a crackly voice. "Did you remember to feed the…feed the fish?"

In a semiconscious stupor, Orochimaru swung his bony legs over the side of the bed. As soon as his feet touched the floor, the Sannin swung towards the aquarium in an almost puppet-like fashion. He clumsily grabbed the jar of fish food.

"Kabuto, you forgetful boy," he mumbled hazily. In one lumbering motion, Orochimaru popped off the jar's top and opened a tinydoor in the top of the aquarium. Kisame's eyes grew large.

"Here you go, fishes."

An avalanche of foul smelling flakes came tumbling down around Kisame's head. He sputtered.

Orochimaru regarded the aquarium once more. One eye cracked open.

"I haven't given you treats for a while, have I, my pets?"

Kisame watched in horror as Orochimaru held up a cylindrical container, its label blaring at him through the aquarium's glass.

"Freeze-dried worms," Orochimaru proudly rasped. He tipped in the entire jar.

Kisame felt a little part of him die inside as the little critters showered his face, neck, and found their way into his clothing.

"Enjoy," the Sannin announced. And he slumped on the ground, snoring loudly.

If enjoyment was a synonym for feeling nauseous, then…oh, Kisame was enjoying it, all right.

* * *

Uchiha Sasuke wrenched open the door to Karin's room with an inhuman roar. He could feel his hands clasping around his brother's neck; he could almost taste the sweet flavor of victory on his lips.

Itachi was going to die. Here and now.

…And Karin too, Sasuke decided as an afterthought. She could join him, if Itachi hadn't gotten her already.

Sasuke blinked as the scene inside the room unfolded before his eyes.

Karin lay crumpled on the ground, a blob of drool touching the corner of her mouth. Her glasses were missing. Itachi stood over her, his back to the doorway.

"_Itachi_," Sasuke hissed, forming a fist. Sparks of electricity crackled and danced along his forearm. "Prepare to _die_!"

Sasuke lunged forward, bringing his arm back and preparing to thrust the Chidori through his brother's heart when…

…Itachi turned around.

"What the—"

Sasuke shrank back. The Chidori disappeared almost as quickly as it had come.

"Wha—"

"Hello, foolish little brother," Itachi said tonelessly. There was something unmistakably familiar perched upon the bridge of his nose.

"_Are you wearing Karin's glasses_?" Sasuke asked, beyond disbelief.

"Karin?" Itachi frowned. He glanced disdainfully at the unmoving body at his feet. "This female who tried to assault me moments ago, I presume?" He adjusted his new spectacles. "Yes, I believe I am."

"Well…" Sasuke struggled to find apt words. He suddenly grew very angry. "You look like an _idiot_."

Itachi nodded his head slowly. "I see you've been harboring your hate. Very good, Sasuke."

Sasuke began charging up his Chidori. "Any last words before I continue?" he snarled.

"A few," Itachi said. "Continue to hate me, as always. And, Sasuke…" He paused, poking at Karin's form with his foot. "Make sure you lock your room at night. You do not know who may come in and take your picture while you're asleep."

Sasuke looked confused. "Huh?"

"I must find Kisame," said Itachi, avoiding his brother's confusion. He lowered his glasses and looked directly into Sasuke's eyes. His little brother froze. "Until next time, yes?"

Sasuke found himself being tossed into the depths of Tsukuyomi. He let out a muffled shout as he descended into the darkness, knowing what was coming next.

"A little change of scenery." Itachi's disembodied voice surrounded him. "Think of this as a belated birthday present."

Sasuke landed with a painful thump. He rapidly looked around. This wasn't the Uchiha complex. He was in…Karin's room?

"_Sasuke-kuuun_."

He swallowed. He could hear his heart pounding in his throat.

A pair of arms wrapped around his torso. Sasuke struggled to free himself.

"_You can't escape me this time,_" Tsukuyomi-Karin purred into his shoulder. She had an iron hold on him; he couldn't escape.

To Sasuke's horror, smooth jazz began playing in the background. The lighting suddenly dimmed.

_Itachi, you bastard_, Sasuke thought lividly. _I'm going to murder you_.

Itachi watched as his younger brother crumpled to the floor, face contorted in agony. He adjusted his glasses. This time, he could actually _see_ his brother's pain.

Perhaps Kisame had been right after all. Glasses _were_ useful.

* * *

Itachi quickly made his way down the hall. He could feel Kisame's chakra signature in the eastern part of the hideout.

"Ha! You're going no farther!"

Orochimaru's henchman, Kabuto, leaped out in front of Itachi. With a smirk, he settled into an offensive stance.

"I'm not going to let you—oof!"

In one sweeping motion, Itachi snatched Kabuto's glasses and pushed him into the wall.

"What was that?!" Kabuto complained, rubbing his head. He squinted. "Hey, where are my glasses?"

Itachi positioned his second trophy upon the bridge of his nose. His eyesightwas _clearer_.

"Thank you," Itachi said impassively. Uchihas didn't forget their manners.

He leaned in and stared the young man straight in the eyes with his Sharingan.

"What are you—_aaaaah_!"

Kabuto found himself in a Tsukuyomi version of none other than Karin's bedroom. He made a croaking noise. There were candles everywhere to soften the lack of light; rose petals lay on the floor. And to his right, Uchiha Sasuke was tied to a chair, looking queasy.

"_Run_," whispered Sasuke dully. "She's going to be backany minute."

The door open, highlighting a fiendish-looking Karin. She grinned evilly.

"_I see we have another guest_," the Tsukuyomi version of her drawled. She held up a long piece of rope in one hand and pointed to an empty chair with another. "_Why don't you take a seat_?"

Kabuto screamed.

* * *

Kisame had been in captivity for over an hour. The fish flakes dusting his face and collar began to actually smell…appetizing.

Feeling pitiful, Kisame extended his tongue, attempting to catch a few flakes.

The door burst open.

"Kisame. We're leaving."

Eyes wide with hope, Kisame turned his head towards the door. Itachi stood in the doorway. His blood-red irises were magnified by two pairs of glasses.

"Kabuto-kun? Is that you?"

Orochimaru, who had been sitting up in bed reading, glanced over at Itachi with his puffy eyes.

"It _is_ you! Do you have my soup?"

Itachi touched the rim of his newglasses. Orochimaru clearly thought him to be Kabuto.

"I do not," Itachi said flatly, as he moved towards the aquarium. He took off the lid and began to tug Kisame out of the cramped space. The Mist-nin came tumbling to the floor.

"What are you doing, Kabuto-kun?" Orochimaru was puzzled. "I thought you cleaned the tank this morning."

"I'm retrieving my associate," Itachi replied. He threw a kunai at the door, rendering it inoperable. Orochimaru was trapped. "We are taking you hostage, Orochimaru, until you give us some crucial information."

There was no answer. Itachi assumed it was because the Sannin was in a state of shock.

"You hear that, Orochimaru?" chuckled Kisame. "You're a _hostage_."

Orochimaru didn't reply.

"Hey, what's wrong with him?" Kisame frowned. Orochimaru was slumped over, his hair obscuring his face.

Itachi strode over to the bed and yanked up Orochimaru head. The Sannin was asleep.

"What—"

The Uchiha glanced over at the bedside table. A bottle of sleeping pills sat atop a stack of tabloids.

"He will be asleep for another eight hours," Itachi said emotionlessly.

"So does that mean we have to stay here until he—"

The door exploded in a burst of electricity. Sasuke and Kabuto, their faces unbelievably pale, stood in the doorway.

"We're going to _kill_ you, Itachi," Sasuke snarled. His legs shook slightly. "How _dare_ you Tsukuyomi us into Karin's room! _Do you know what she did_?"

"And how dare you take my glasses!" Kabuto added, facing the wrong way.

Itachi cleared his throat. "It seems as though we're trapped," he said. "We cannot wait here for eight hours until Orochimaru wakes up."

"Should we leave?" Kisame asked unhappily.

"I suppose so," was the reply.

Itachi turned to face the two intruders. The tomoe in his Sharingan began to spin.

"Farewell."

And with that, Sasuke and Kabuto fell twitching on the floor. Horrified, they found themselves in Karin's room once more.

"_Back for another round, boys_?"

There were screeches of agony.

* * *

**Author's Note**: Reviews would be greatly appreciated!


	9. Hidan and Kakuzu Die?

**Author's Note**: A gigantic, massive thank you to everyone who reviewed! Your feedback really keeps me writing, honestly. ((flings love)) Thank you so much!

Hidan and Kakuzu's adventure, part two. Can you believe that there's only one more chapter after this?

**Disclaimer:** Naruto still belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

* * *

The jail cell was dark and musty; cobwebs dusted the floor and ceiling like birthday streamers at some sort of macabre party. However, this was no celebration for the two captives inside. After Hidan had violated the Kazekage's special sandbox, and after the two faux-diplomats had caused a declaration of war between Iwagakure and Sunagakure, Gaara had ordered the two of them to be kept as prisoners of war.

Kakuzu was not pleased. "I can't believe you started a war," he snorted. "Nice job, Hidan."

"Shut the fuck up," Hidan retorted. He was slumped in a corner, playing with his rosary. "It's not my fault the Kazekage has a stick up his ass."

"No," replied Kakuzu, "but it's your fault we're stuck here. Now I can't collect my money, you bastard."

"Forget about your goddamn money, would you?" Hidan sneered, closing a fist around the rosary's chain. "Seriously, I'm surprised Jashin-sama hasn't gone medieval on your ass already. Greed's one of the fucking seven sins. _Seven sins_."

"Please do everyone a favor," Kakuzu glared at his partner, "and _shut_ _up_."

Hidan's jaw muscles were jumping. "Heathenbastard…" he breathed.

The door beyond the jail cell's bars suddenly swung open. The two missing-nin turned their heads to see.

"Hello?"

The blonde woman, Temari, tentatively entered the room, pushing the door shut behind her. "Are you guys down here?"

"Hey, blondie," Hidan called. "Here to join the party?"

Temari snorted. "I don't think starting a war is something to celebrate." She crossed her arms. "No, I'm here to ask you bastards a few questions."

"Shoot," responded Hidan, grinning.

Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

"First off," Temari began, pacing back and forth, "we found two diplomats outside the village wall, claiming to be the _real_ Iwagakure diplomats." She stopped. Her voice grew steely. "How do you explain _that_?"

Hidan opened his mouth to speak, but Kakuzu quickly stopped him with his hand.

"I'll explain," Kakuzu said solemnly. Hidan gave him an odd look.

Temari leaned forward, intent.

"We," said Kakuzu slowly, "were attacked by those men."

Hidan's eyebrows shot up.

"You see, we're monks. We're…" Kakuzu winced. "…Jashinists."

His partner almost burst out laughing. Temari looked unconvinced.

"We were on our way to Sunagakure to rest before continuing our journey to Amegakure," continued Kakuzu, "where we were going to reunite with the rest of our monastery. But—" Kakuzu grimaced. "—as we approached Suna, these two Iwagakure diplomats attacked us, demanding our valuables. So we had to defend ourselves."

"And why were their clothes missing?" Temari arched an eyebrow.

"It's a Jashinist tradition to take one's clothes upon victory," Kakuzu lied. Hidan was turning purple from all his pent-up laughter. "So anyway, we took their clothing. We approached the gates to the village and to our surprise, we were mistaken for diplomats."

He cleared his throat. "We were told that the _Kazekage_ was expecting us, and that we had to go to the council building as quickly as possible. And we wound up in the lobby, lost, until you arrived and told us you would lead us to the Kazekage."

Temari narrowed her eyes. Strangely, his story was making sense. Was this really the truth?

"It was our initial intent to tell the Kazekage that this was just a big misunderstanding," Kakuzu shot Hidan a dirty look, "but…er, _Rei_, my associate, got curious and decided to touch the Kazekage's sandbox." He continued to glare at his associate. "He's not yet fully recognized as a monk. He still has to…cleanse himself from sin."

Hidan was dying in the corner, torn between laughing out loud and wringing Kakuzu's neck.

"So this is all a misunderstanding," concluded Kakuzu. "And if you would let us go…"

Temari looked grim. "I can't. Gaara just…ordered the execution of the two imposters."

* * *

Konan made her way down the aisle, searching the shelves for a glue stick. Her plastic shopping basket painfully bumped into her hip.

"May I help you, ma'am?"

She turned around. A short, stocky man wearing both a nametag and a jolly smile waved at her. Konan narrowed her eyes.

"Hello! Do you need help finding anything?"

Konan gave him a sour look. "Why doesn't your store carry glue sticks?"

"Well…" the man tried to smile wider. This customer obviously needed her day to be brightened. "…You're in the wrong aisle, ma'am. This is where we sell medicine and other medical items." His facial muscles were twitching sporadically. "I can show you to the school supplies aisle, where we keep the glue sticks."

Konan nodded slightly. She began to follow the jaunty man out of the aisle, when a certain label caught her eye.

"Wait," Konan said suddenly, as she reached up for the bottle.

* * *

"What the_ fuck_?!" Hidan exploded. He was furious. "That bastard!"

Kakuzu looked slightly concerned. There was one slight issue preventing the execution from taking place…

He gave Hidan a nod. The pious immortal withdrew a hidden knife from his sleeve. Temari's eyes went wide.

Hidan sighed. "Hate to break it to you, blondie, but there's a little problem with that plan." And with that, he thrust the knife straight into his heart.

Temari could not hold back a gasp as she watched his body fall limp. _He just killed himself!_

A moment passed. Then two.

"Damn," the corpse suddenly remarked. Crimson blood was spilled over his chest. "That really hurts, seriously."

"What—" Temari turned from the suddenly moving Hidan to Kakuzu, who was watching his associate disdainfully.

"Jashinists…are immortal," Kakuzu explained. He rolled his eyes at Hidan, who was swearing loudly. "Shut up."

Hidan pulled out the knife with a sickening suction noise. Grinning, he held up the stained knife. Temari wrinkled her eyebrows.

"Let me get this straight," Temari said calmly. "You're both immortal. And both of you are two lost monks who just ended up in the council building by mistake?" A scraping sound beyond the door made her turn her head; for a brief second, she looked concerned, then relaxed again.

Hidan and Kakuzu nodded enthusiastically.

"I say," Temari gave them a cheerful smile, "that I don't believe a _word_ of your story."

The two prisoners gaped at her.

"I think you two just wanted to try to get to the Kazekage so you could assassinate him." Temari's voice was cold. "That was your plan all along, wasn't it?"

Her voice lowered. "You'll be called in an hour."

She turned around and headed for the door.

"But what will they do when they try and execute us, and can't?" Kakuzu shouted after her.

"Try again," Temari called over her shoulder. "And again and again…"

The heavy door clicked shut behind her.

"Bitch," breathed Hidan. There was admiration in his voice.

Kakuzu heaved an exasperated sigh.

* * *

The two prisoners were being led into a tiny, cinderblock room. Sand sloshed over their feet as they entered; Gaara had ordered the contents of his special sandbox to be emptied on the floor.

"Welcome," the Kazekage hissed as Kakuzu and Hidan were brought in. His mouth was contorted into a maniacal grin; his face was alight with bloodthirsty intent. Temari, who was leading the imposters, noticed her brother's expression and sighed. All of that therapy had gone to waste. Her brother had finally cracked.

"Notice the floor, gentlemen?" Gaara gestured at the ground. "This is the sand you _violated_!"

Temari vaguely wondered what Kankuro was feeding him. Perhaps there was something in his food?

"Now, Temari," her younger brother said quietly, "please…?"

She produced a kunai from her weapons pouch. The two prisoners, their wrists chained together, were lined up against the wall. Kakuzu shifted uncomfortably. He was first.

"For the love of Jashin," Hidan complained, "this is chafing my fucking wrists. Get on with it already, seriously."

Gaara nodded, leering at the offenders.

Gripping the weapon tightly in her fist, Temari plunged the weapon into Kakuzu's chest.

* * *

_Half an Hour Earlier_

A few minutes later, the door opened once more. Hidan and Kakuzu looked over in its direction.

It was Temari.

"Hey," Hidan grinned, "back to fuck us over some more?"

"Look," said Temari, walking over to their cell, "I'm sorry for earlier."

"What's with the change of heart, blondie?" asked Hidan. "Warming up to us?"

Temari snorted. "Right. More like earlier was an entire act, because Gaara was listening from the other side of the door. I saw Rei's rosary; your story checks out."

Hidan looked crestfallen. "Seriously?"

"So is there really an order for our execution?" Kakuzu asked, shooting Hidan an annoyed glare.

"Unfortunately, yes," the kunoichi replied, leaning against a wall. "But if you guys are really immortal like you say, then I have a plan."

Her lips were twisted in a devilish smile.

"Either of you been in a school play?"

* * *

_Present_

A gurgling noise escaped Kakuzu's lips as he collapsed on the floor, dragging down Hidan with his weight. Kakuzu's body twitched once and he was still, the kunai protruding from his chest.

_Good actor,_ Temari thought to herself.

She advanced towards Hidan, who was hunched over due to Kakuzu's pull on the shackles. He was scowling.

Temari extracted another kunai from the pouch. She brought back her arm and lunged forward, driving the metal deep into Hidan's chest. She inwardly winced. _Too much force_.

Apparently, Hidan agreed with her. He staggered about, dragging Kakuzu's body across the sandy floor. Hidan let out an anguished howl and flopped on the ground, writhing in agony.

Temari had to roll her eyes. _Overdramatic_.

Gaara let out his breath beside her.

"That's better," her younger brother said calmly. He turned to her. "Where would you like to go to lunch, Temari?"

A sudden gurgling caused the two siblings to direct their attention to the floor, where Hidan was thrashing around.

"Am I fucking dead?" he wailed, clawing at his chest. After a moment, he stilled. Temari cautiously took a step forward.

"Goddamn it, am I fled?" The corpse unexpectedly shot up, causing both siblings to jump.

He immediately collapsed again. Gaara began to make his way to the door when Hidan suddenly clamped on to his ankle. If the Kazekage had eyebrows, he would have raised them.

"My soul," Hidan reached for the ceiling with his other hand, "is in the sky!"

For a second time, he was quiet; his face was completely peaceful. Temari exchanged a bemused glance with Gaara.

Hidan suddenly opened his eyes and yanked out the kunai from his torso.

"Now die!" he bellowed, plunging it into his heart again. "Die! Die! _Die_!"

He sagged into the sand, motionless. Gaara leaned in, curiously tilting his head.

"_DIE_!" roared Hidan, shaking uncontrollably. The Kazekage shrank back.

Hidan was gazing towards the heavens, his face heavy with emotion. Thick, pearly tears dropped down his cheeks.

"Die," he said in a dramatic whisper.

And with that, Hidan's body sank back down. Unmoving.

Gaara and Temari stared at his lifeless body for a few minutes.

"Is he dead yet?" the Kazekage asked finally.

Temari looked askance at him.

"I hope," she managed, kicking his body over.

* * *

"That was terrible," Temari said, shaking her head. She was wheeling out the "dead" bodies on a tarp-covered cart. "You're probably the worst actor I've ever seen. Kakuzu, on the other hand, actually pulled it off. But you…"

"You're just saying that because you're jealous," came Hidan's muffled answer from under the tarp. "Seriously, that deserved a fucking award."

Kakuzu let out an irritable sigh.

"Why couldn't you have killed me for real?" he muttered. He was still sour because he hadn't been able to collect his money.

Temari held up one hand to shield her eyes from the sun. "I'll wheel you guys out to the forest on the border of Sunagakure. You can escape to your monastery."

"Hey, thanks, blondie," Hidan said. "You're actually pretty nice for a bitch."

Temari raised an eyebrow. "Thanks."

* * *

**Author's Note**: Hidan's dying scene was based the Pyramus death scene in _A Midsummer Night's Dream_—the play within a play. Hopefully you got that; I just couldn't resist putting that in. XD

Feedback would be greatly appreciated!


	10. The Conclusion

**Author's Note**: The conclusion…enjoy!

**Disclaimer:** Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.

* * *

The conference room was strangely silent as a gloomy procession of Akatsuki members filed in. There was an adequate reason for this unsettling hush, however. Though no one had publicly announced it, it was clear that none of the pairs had successfully completed the mission.

And in the Akatsuki, failure was met with dire consequences.

The leader stood behind a handsome podium at the front of the room, Konan at her place beside him. Once again, a mask was pulled over the bottom half of Pein's face in a way that was blatantly reminiscent of the meeting that had started this entire fiasco.

His subordinates settled down in the folding plastic chairs and waited. There were many audible _creaks_ as members shifted uncomfortably in their seats.

Pein cleared his throat. The squeaking immediately ceased.

"I'm sure all of you know why I've called you here today," he began in his muffled voice. "I'd like to talk about…your mission."

It was deathly silent.

"It has come to my attention that _all of you_ have _failed_ the assignment." The leader tapped his fingers on the podium. His eyes were steely.

Several members gulped

Pein's voice grew dangerously soft. "Do you know what that means?"

No one dared reply.

"Failure," Pein said harshly, "results in torture." He smiled beneath his mask. "_Death_."

Tobi whimpered. He wasn't the only one.

A pregnant silence pressed down upon the room as Pein carefully surveyed his listeners. His face was made of stone.

The leader suddenly leaned towards his subordinates from over the podium. Almost as if an invisible force was pushing them, his audience shrank back.

"But this time," Pein said in a hoarse whisper. "There has been a…strange turn of events."

It was as still as a graveyard. And at that moment, many Akatsuki members were wondering if the area was to become the site of one—one occupied by their own corpses.

The leader hooked his fingers around the corner of his mask. Tobi clapped his hands over his mask and peeked between his fingers, while Kisame nervously ground his teeth. Hidan slouched down into his chair, jostling Kakuzu, who wore a grimace, beside him. Zetsu closed the eye on the white half of his face as his other half strained to get a better look. Deidara clutched at Sasori's sleeve while the latter swatted his partner away. And Itachi pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose, vaguely wondering if he had astigmatism.

"...Behold."

Pein suddenly pulled the cloth down to his neck. There was an audible gasp. Several hands were flung over hearts.

"Leader-sama…" Tobi was awed. "Your face doesn't look like a gigantic balloon anymore!"

"And you look evil!" added Kisame earnestly, gesturing to Pein's numerous piercings.

Itachi adjusted his new glasses for a better look.

Pein gestured to Konan, whose expression was unmistakably bored. She looked down at her nails. "You have Konan to thank for your lives," he said. "She is the one who found this miraculous product that cured my infection."

He whispered something inaudible to Konan. Sighing, she held up a large bottle for all to see.

"Isopropyl alcohol!" Pein announced. He nudged Konan. "Tell them where you found it, Konan."

She lifted her head. "The convenience store. The grocery store," she said unenthusiastically. "…Everywhere."

"Yes!" the leader was enthusiastic. It was almost frightening to see him in such a mood. "Every month from this point onward, we're going to put aside money to buy this wondrous item…in bulk!"

Kakuzu held his head in his hands.

"This calls for a celebration, un," Deidara called out.

"Let's bake the mini pizzas," said Itachi rather dully.

Hidan was on his feet in a flash. "Fuck yeah!"

Everyone scrambled for the door except for Kakuzu, who was still trying to cope with the leader's latest change to the budget.

After all, mini pizza was truly a cause for celebration.

* * *

_Epilogue_

Konan lingered in the conference room for a few more moments, savoring the peace and quiet. She could vaguely hear the clinking of plates from somewhere downstairs, accompanied by excited chatter. All of a sudden, Pein's voice rang out above the rest. He was calling for a toast.

A tiny smile graced her lips. Konan began to head for the exit to join everyone, but something bright caught the corner of her eye.

A mirror. Curious, she approached its polished surface. A pair of heavy-lidded eyes was reflected back; she dropped her gaze to her smile echoed in the glass.

Next to Pein, Konan had to admit, she felt somewhat…ordinary.

_An asset that instills more fear than any jutsu._

Was her appearance lacking?

She tilted her head to the side, examining her face. Immediately, she realized that there was something missing.

Perhaps she needed a...piercing?

* * *

**Author's Note**: It's done! I feel a little sad, seeing as this was my third fan fic ever, and my first multi-chapter one at that. But the end of this story is also a blessing—it means that I can start another!

I have a plan for a cracky multi-chapter drabble collection (all linked together by a very cracky premise), which I hope to start as soon as Finals Hell Week is over. And I have a few oneshot plans too, so…stay tuned!

Thank you for reading! And thanks a million for all of the support!


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